Bests & Worsts Reviews from Amazon

I apparently don't live in a house. I live in a giant block of Swiss cheese. We've been battling an intermittent ant problem ever since we moved in. The first one we managed to combat with gap filler, but I think there must have been an offshoot of that colony that moved and set up shop underneath the edge of my carpet where it meets the kitchen tile. One morning I walked into my kitchen to find a full-on ant orgy in progress in front of my fridge. It was downright Bacchanalian and scarred me for life. I'm glad my children weren't witness to such debauchery. I thought I found another gap where they might have been getting in, so I plugged it with more expanding foam, and the problem seem to go away for a bit, but they were just laying low, formulating their next plan of attack. Ants started trickling out from beneath the carpet edge again, only this time I was done with that namby pamby gap filler. It was time to break out the big guns. I Googled "Best Ant Bait" and the first thing it pulled up was this product page for the Terro (which is only one "r" short of Terror--coincidence? I think not). I only needed to read a few of the reviews and I was convinced. I grabbed a box from a local hardware store (sorry, Amazon, even with Prime shipping, my problem was far too vexing to wait even one more hour), set them in all the strategic rendezvous points. Then I waited. It took a couple hours. And then the purge began . . . I've used other ant baits before to limited success. Most just don't do a very good job at attracting the critters. It's like they're hip to the Raid jive. But the other reviews about this product do not lie. Never in my life have I seen the crack frenzy that soon began, when literally hundreds of ants started pouring into these traps. I could see them writhing around in orgasmic euphoria. I could hear them laughing and clinking their glasses and making awkward late night sexual propositions with complete strangers. It would be like if a giant chocolate cheesecake had fallen out of the sky right in front of me. I would probably act similarly, rolling around in it, gorging myself silly, completely unaware that God decided to save himself the trouble of flooding the planet to wipe out the human vermin and instead decided to rain down poison disguised as dessert. Noah 2.0, I am not. Admittedly, I do feel a bit like God right now. It's been fun watching this microcosm of the apocalypse unfold with an aloof Mona Lisa grin on my face. I am a terrible God, but I am benevolent. These creatures died thinking they were having the best day of their lives, and that's better than most of us get in this crazy world. Thank you, Terro. You are now my #1 choice for ant genocide. UPDATE: 24 hours later -- Only a few stragglers remain. They're staggering around helplessly, their bodies undoubtedly full of their dead, poisoned comrades. The bait traps that were once full of ants are now empty. I don't care to imagine what happened to all of them, but since I'm a writer, I probably will. I saw a few ants in my downstairs bathroom and set one of the traps in there. A few ants became a few hundred. More death throes are commencing. LOOK ON MY WORKS, YE MIGHTY, AND DESPAIR!