Bests & Worsts Reviews from Amazon

The days of my life were long and dark. I had spent my whole life searching for happiness, but to no avail. I had come to believe life was nothing more than a cruel trick, a void of emptiness. I felt lost and frightened, without love and without hope. Then one day, I found my answer. An inflatable unicorn horn. At first I was unsure: could this really be my answer? I was wrong. It wasn't my answer, it was THE answer. The thing everyone searches for their entire lives, but many do not find. The model wearing the horn beckoned to me. His eyes as blue as the ocean and as enticing as Blue, from Blue's Clues, bathing in a bath of blueberry jellybeans as sapphire encrusted confetti falls from the sky. "Just click it," he seemed to say. I hovered my hand over the 1-click order button. All I wanted was to be carefree and happy, like the man on the cover. That was all I needed. I clicked the button. Three aggravating and suspenseful days later a package arrived on my doorstep. I hastily ripped away the packaging in a furious storm of excitement. Inside lay a small box. It was no more than a mere five by three inches, yet it held the answer to my sorrow. I blew up the horn with lightning speed, nearly rendering myself unconscious in the process. As I placed it on my head everything changed. It was as though my whole life everything had been static, and now the world was in high-definition. Rainbows burst from the heavens, fireworks exploded in dazzling displays, a small town in Africa had its first rain in a decade, and cancer was miraculously eradicated. For once in my life I felt truly alive. No longer was I the same shell of a man as I was before. My clothes magically became pink and covered in glitter. I had found true happiness. I had found the blue-eyed, pink-sweater-wearing, unicorn-riding man inside of me.