Bests & Worsts Reviews from Amazon

My friends figured I was a heavyweight when it came to hot sauce. I douse most of what I eat in Tabasco sauce; I snack on jalapeños sometimes. You get the idea. So for my birthday recently, I received The Source, innocuously perched on top of a small pile of gifts. I decided to try it the same day and to reassure everyone that my mouth was an impenetrable fortress. 7.1 million Scoville units seemed like quite a challenge, but is the sauce an unstoppable force against an immovable object? I tested it out on some chips and salsa (hot, of course) remaining after we devoured pretty much everything else. Just two or three drops mixed into this half jar of salsa should do the trick, right? I bit down onto the salsa-coated chip and immediately could not comprehend what was going on. My pupils must have doubled in area. My knees buckled. No one around me could understand the agony I went through past my teary blubbering and groans. The first bite had a profound effect on my senses as the world faded around me, but would only become more intense with time. I couldn't think straight. I gagged, I wailed, I pleaded for help. My bowels broke down as the salsa dripped little by little into my esophagus, making a sound like a dragon's gullet before projecting flame. My body had prepared itself for only the mildest of capsaicin encounters. Not even a steel maw could have stopped this. And as if the dragon noises were omens, I returned to my senses and vomited. All over the table, some of the guests, everywhere. It was a travesty. The Source's foul domain flew out in a projectile, but soon followed the cake and pizza. Then everything. I'm pretty sure blood made it in there. I only felt alleviated while breathing again after the ordeal. However, by no means did the unholy taste leave. It coated the inside of my digestive tract like some sort of visceral cinnamon challenge. I, no longer having anything to puke, writhed and rolled around for a moment and relieved my bowels before sensing the darkness take over me. When I came to, I was in a hospital bed and understandably confused. Only an hour later did the head doctor come around to checking me. Apparently I became comatose for several hours as my gut deteriorated. With successive stomach pumps, though, I survived. tl;dr: this stuff works. Please keep it away from me, and if possible, yourselves.