Bests & Worsts Reviews from Amazon

I live up here in this place that is far from the hustle and bustle of human settlement, isolated and forlorn; the land stretches from view in an endless unbroken wilderness of forest and marshland, where wolves roam and food is scarce. When we venture forth to seek sustenance it is a hard trek and at the end of it is bound to be disappointment and failure; for it is a forbidding and unforgiving world and it is best left to the beavers who make it their home. The wind makes this its eternal home, but it is the rain that dispenses pure evil, for it is relentless in its character, and it pours without pity or regret. Thus to find protection from this endless rain (which pours also at night), it is befallen to us to try first the general store, who more likely than not are bereft of stock or, if possessing of it, are wont to ask a frightfully dear remuneration, as they remind us, the effort of having obtained these items is extreme and these resources inabundant. Thus it is behooven us to venture to the towns and villages, for which the hiring of ponies and driver is a tiresome and thankless task . . . Mr. Tremblay and his native assistant hew not to a civilized demeanour. "Je vay pah la bah," he shouts (for he is hard of hearing from excessive shots from his gun) "Say troh lwahn." I understand him not, no matter how loud his entreaties. Yet in this land we call Kanata (although others call it differently) the rumours flew of a magical place that was a mighty river named Amazon, that flowed with bounty and richness, and also umbrellas. Mr. Tremblay was persuaded, with an envelope addressed to the postmaster of the river outpost named Amazon (and a pouch of good Kanatian silver), to carry forth my plea for an umbrella that could withstand the rain of Kanata and perhaps aid in fending off raccoon dogs that come like thieves in the night to steal our corn crop, for it was rumoured that this umbrella could explode with a fearful clamour, much like a gun. And so it was, that in the month of May, at the peak of the rains, Mr. Tremblay and his assistant Kemosabeh returned bearing a parcel upon which was marked, Amazon.com, the meaning of which I know not. And inside the package was wrapped the most magnificent of objects, a teflon exploding umbrella named Repel, which, although small in stature, when expanded with much conundrum, becomes a wand of wondrous skill, rebuffing the most energetic assaults of rain and wind, and, perhaps, raccoons. After much fanfare, Mr. Tremblay, Kemosabeh and I, holding the Repel umbrella above us to stave off the heavens’ expulsions, ventured forth into the Kanata bushlands in search of our own Amazon, far from fear and hunger and raccoons. Thus it was that we came unto Amazon.ca. With much reluctance (for in the short time we had possessed it, the umbrella had become rather dear) we handed it to the Postmaster and commanded him to go forth and multiply this umbrella into many umbrellas, and then ship them thereupon, for amazon.ca does not have the Repel umbrella and I JUST WANT TO KNOW JUST WHAT IT IS ABOUT CANADA THAT YOU FOLK DON'T LIKE.