Bests & Worsts Reviews from Amazon

I am a huge fan of ointments. I feel okay saying that here, but I know it's not something I should use to head off a profile on, say, Tinder or OKCupid. "OINTMENTLOVER69." Nope. Most people can't even stand the WORD "ointment." If I recall, "moist" and "ointment" were voted America's Least Favorite Words Of The Past 100 Years, or something like that. ANYway, I grew up surrounded by Vaseline, and A&D, and Desitin, and Hydrocortisone, and my very very favorite of all (you can feel it coming, I bet) Vicks Vap-O-Rub, like a beautiful teeny jar of winter night itself. Those products of my overprotected, well-moisturized youth felt reliable and timeless to me, and when I finally acquired a boyfriend, David, in my 20's, I discovered that he shared my love of classic unguents, and many a cold Minnesota night the two of us went to bed liberally slathered in mentholating, virus-killing, chap-preventing goo, eventually becoming glued to each other in our sleep, smelling like a nursing home. It was...everything I wanted. That relationship ended, though, long ago, after we'd moved first to Columbus, Ohio, and then to Seattle, and I don't know if I'll ever completely get over it. There's so much I miss about David, and there's things I find in the world as I go through my life that really only he would appreciate. Like, I wish we could talk about Neosporin Pain Relief Dual Action Ointment -- lying in bed on a lazy Saturday morning, or over pancakes at IHOP, and discuss whether it's ACTUALLY relieving pain as it kills germs, or whether there's a placebo/power-of-suggestion thing going on, because, seriously, how can it do that?!? It's not, like, numbing the way Lidocaine is...and it's not a Menthol/Camphor blend like Icy Hot and Tiger Balm...so what the heck special magical ingredient in this Neosporin can be taking away pain from a cut finger or blistered heel?!?!? And yet...it seems to actually happen! It really does! If I was still with David, I bet we'd set up some kind of spontaneous experiment, with one of us putting the Neosporin on a freshly bitten cuticle (me) and the other putting it on a patch of road rash suffered while mountain biking (him) and compare the pain relief and soothing power on different bodily regions and different amounts of nerve endings over time, because we really loved do-it-yourself science like that. Oh -- once -- after we'd both gotten really sunburned while hosting a rummage sale (I know! Sun in Seattle! We were not prepared!), we had a contest to see who could peel off the largest unbroken chunk of skin. And we were so impressed with our skin chunks that we collected them, and saved them in a jar, with the intention that we'd check on them at regular intervals, to see if they'd, like, decompose, or get dry and hardened, or...but then we forgot about the jar. And years later, after I'd moved back to Minneapolis, I found the jar in a box, and our skin was exactly as it had been, mixed together, like it was waiting for someone to rehydrate it, and.... I've digressed. Regardless of the science results, I bet my boyfriend David and I would both feel that Neosporin Plus seems to really work -- it's greasier and less heavy than regular Neosporin, but if I put it on cuts and abrasions at night, they're a lot better in the morning. It has no odor, and feels kind of nice. I've added Neosporin Dual Action to my list of favorite ointments. If only I could apply it to my hurting heart. (Oh come on. You knew that's how this review was going to end. Didn't you? You did.)