Bests & Worsts Reviews from Amazon

What is this sorcery? Who made this? Who invented this mascara that curls, lifts, separates, volumizes, lengthens, *and* stays on, even in muggy Miami weather? I'd like to shake this person's hand with the gravity of a doddering Norwegian gentleman handing out a Nobel Prize for Physics, because this shiz? This shiz straight up defies gravity. Two minutes ago, I had the lashes of an amoeba. Now, I'm walking around my house, batting my heavily fringed eyelids à la Catherine Zeta Jones in a corset with a quivering sword, like Scheherazade as depicted in that 19th century painting. Lashes today, Pulitzer Prize tomorrow. It's the natural progression of things.