Bests & Worsts Reviews from Amazon

First thing's first, I NEVER review products. But this is some voodoo magic right here. I am an extra white lady in the throes of Midwestern winter. There are bumps and flakes and dull dryness on skin I didn't even know it was legal to touch. Dire straits. Not cute. I don't know who Zakia is but I would kiss him or her firmly on those soft Moroccan lips for as long as it took to fully express my admiration and gratitude for this exfoliative masterpiece. After one shower with my new lover Zakia, I thought I was molting. Weird, but I persevered for the sake of wearing black and health, probably. Now four showers in, I am re-born. A pasty but glowing Phoenix rising from the snow. Victorious! I am new! I am the Venus de Milo! I am Beyoncé! I am Jackie Kennedy! I am Xena! I roam the streets passively daring strangers to brush up against my oddly exposed skin. My two year old loses 'Best Skin in the House" now (he was always so smug about it anyways). I loiter at the Moroccan restaurant wearing the glove and they're pretty close to recognizing their long lost sister and inviting me back to the hammam. Now, as the current authority on exfoliation let me give you some pointers. If you shower every day like a nutjob maybe chill out on the Zakia vibe. She's a harsh lover, but fair. 2 times a week is golden. Hang out in the hot shower, wash your hair, say goodbye to that disgusting, graying sac of skin you've been dragging around because you shall never meet again. Scoop a little of whatever black soap is (jesusjelly) and really work it between your hands to get a good lather. I imagine this is what boys do in the shower. You're supposed to leave it on for several minutes but I can't wait that long and water is expensive. Then, The Glove. This little glove knows more about me than my husband and I don't mind one bit. I'm talkin ev-ry-where if you get my drift (butt). Rinse off the aforementioned grotesque bits and embark on your new, clearer path. Marvel in the beauty that is the purest form of you. Inhale. Notice the air- it's sweeter. Colors brighter. Is that the call of a whippoorwill in the distance? Possibilities unfold before your eyes. Humans and animals alike cannot help but yield to your magnetism. Welcome, you say knowingly, let me show you the way. I bow to you, Zakia- you beautiful sorcerer.