Bests & Worsts Reviews from Amazon

I'm writing this from the quarantine room of my regional level 1 trauma center. by the time you read this I will surely be dead. It started off like any other shift. My partner and I, two regular paramedics from new york, checked our ambulance, restocked and then went into service. like most days we get posted in the same area. we tend to park at the local CVS drug store because of the dark parking lot and excellent wifi signal. I had just convinved my partner to watch the walking dead with me. He's an older medic, and on most calls he shuffles about on the over night shift like a newly dead corpse anyway. Nevertheless he agreed and so we went into the store to buy snacks for our zombie marathon. Being from new york and a member of the "tribe" its hard for him to pass up on a deal. i'm sure you know what i mean. So to him it must have looked like a message from god. the giant bag sat there atop all others. 5 whole pounds of gummy bears. and health consious due to their sugar free nature. all for ten dollars. My partner who we will refer to as Steve for this, my dying words, instantly snatched the bag off the shelf and proclaimed "i have chosen our snacks!." those words continue to haunt me. the poor bastard will never know what he did in that single moment. we eagerly skipped to the ambulance excited about our deal. we made an agreement that neither of us would stop until the bag was finished. this would be our undoing. see the bag was on the top shelf and covered in dust. clearly it was there for quite some time. we got in the ambulance shoveling fist fulls of bears into our mouths. like the poor doomed souls we were, we threw bears at eachother and carried on. we had gotten through the first episode and much like rick, we didn't understand the world ahead of us. the horrible little multi colored bears had developed a time delay. this allowed us to just bout polish off the entire bag before it happened. A sound came from steve that could only be described as the thunder one hears as a hurricane draws near. and then i felt it. it felt like recently meth addicted amish girl churning butter in my stomach. I looked over at steve who by now had large quantities of sweat pouring from his forehead. We both scrambled to get the doors open. we grabbed hands and ran tword the cvs bathroom promising never to leave the other behind. but we didn't make it before the first shot across the bow. steve let out a shart so hard that it tore through the triple diamond stiched tacticle 5.11 pants and splattered into the welcome mat at the front door. he let out a sigh of relief, which we both took for false hope. as it lead us to believe that if we made it to the bathroom and let the now angry demons ripping their way out of our anuses we would be fine. we didn't know we had actually opened a portal to hell in our sphincters. luckily i had made it to the bathroom first. with only one stall i realized it was just steve's bad luck that he had to wait. this wouldn't be our fate however. steve had already abandonded all hope. accross from the toilet was a urinal. steve without a moments hesitation took a three point football stance infront of me like a left tackle and dropped his pants trying to aim at the urinal. I was already letting the playdough confetti mixture out from within the depths of my intestines by the time steve had positioned himself. we locked eyes. shame was gone for us. the smell alone should have rendered us both unconsious but by some miracle we were both able to see in eachother the fear. and then it happened. steve relaxed his sphincter and the force splashing off the urinal pushed him clear over on the floor. i had already filled the toliet and i could see the slow moving river of fecal matter rolling towards him like lava. i tried to call out but my body was only able to make a muffled cry that sounded like a dying zebra. the river overtook steve who had his own problems to worry about. crying and curled on the floor he had some how managed to spray the ceiling with one of his primary erruptions. tiny yellow brown droplets fell from the sky as if it were raining our own sorrow and embarrassment back onto us. and this is where i have to fill the story in with witness accounts. you see i'm currently being quarantined with an entire rescue squad. at some point both steve and I must've blacked out. i only remember flashes.. i am told that steve with his dying breath managed to key up dispatch on the radio and send out one last cry for help. the first on scene were the local police. I only remember one of them opening the doors and instantly throwing up into the bathroom. he fell face first on the now liquid covered tile floor. his partner wanted to drag him out but it was too late. by opening the door the smell had been released and now everyone inside the store iteself was contaminated. the next time i opened my eyes i saw a police officer and a small girl rocking in the corner crying. and then i woke up here... i'm told steve is dead. men dressed in yellow hazmat suits report last seeing him push me through the bathroom door to a safer area before he forced the door closed, clearly destined on riding out the storm in solitude. surely an autopsy will reveal that he died after one final push he blew out his colon and his heart fell straight out of his chest through his pelvis and into the abyss. local authorities are classifying this as some time of weaponized pathogen. i tried telling them it was the bears. clean up crews refused to enter the premises and so the cvs and our ambulance were both set on fire and surrounding area evacuated. This is for you steve... may god have mercy on your soul. your wife will never again yell at you for losing her spoons.