Bests & Worsts Reviews from Amazon

Allow me to tell you: -0800: just like any normal day, I wake up and have breakfast. -0830: get a notification that my package is almost here -0900: package gets here with these lovely noodles, and a few other things -1030: starting to get hungry and remember... I GOT MY NEW NOODLES! -1045: start cooking these and am excited for a nice “kick” with my noodles... I laugh at my naive self now -1055: I put the cooked noodles in a bowl and pour in the blood red sauce and flakes. I nearly sneeze at the smell of it. I have finished assembling the noodles and am ready to dig in! I sink my first bite -1056: instant heat and regret... the taste is delicious but after swallowing that first bite, the heat hits. It feels as though the cowboy next door stuck his branding iron in my mouth. Tears well up in my eyes as I smile in pure painful pleasure. -1057: the next bite brings no ease, the inferno from the previous bite has already made my taste buds more sensitive than a virgin’s first BJ. I can feel the heat cranking up and I look into the bowl with fear as I am not even halfway done yet... -1058: my next bite the flavor has is gone like my father, I feel nothing but heat and my stomach feels like Rocky is using it as a punching bag. I go for another bite and my nose decides to become a faucet. I rip 2 pieces of paper towel and shove them up my nose to stop the flood, but to no avail... the dam has already collapsed. -1059: I finish the noodles and am faced with a broth only comparable to the River Styx, I see the flakes floating around and little bits of noodle. I know if those noodles were alive they’d be crying like the souls of the damned... already in immense pain I swallow my pride and start sipping. In an instant my mouth and throat turn into lava, I feel every milliliter of the devil’s sauce run down my throat and hit my stomach like an atomic bomb. I am in pain... -1110: the pain subsides but my lips and stomach are still feeling the burn a bit. My day continues on with some relaxation after the 5 days of work I just had. -1300: my stomach decides to start swearing at me with gurgles and growls as this concoction of death and pain sweeps through my intestines... I fear for my colon at the impending doom... -1500: the gurgles have gotten louder and the feeling of certain death is rising upon me. In preparation for what’s about to happen, I write my will and let my family members know I love them... lord have mercy on my soul. -1700: In an instant it hits me... a fart that could roast a marshmallow followed by the burn of 1000 suns on my colon... the time has come... I rush to the bathroom prepared to embrace the reaper, but the feeling goes away... huh, I must be imagining thin... BOOM it hits me. The burn is unreal, I am currently birthing satan’s child. The pressure in my abdomen is like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. Without a second thought I grab some TP to ensure the capsaicin doesn’t rest too long on my poor bum. But it comes in waves... nothing I can do now can stop this hellfire from escaping. My vision starts to blur and my breathing gets heavy. This is it... this is how I die... -1710: the very essence of the afterlife has been exorcised from my system and I now sit here in wallowing pain on my bathroom floor writing this. To those who dare venture down this dark path of pain just know, it was absolutely worth it and delicious and I would recommend it to anyone who loves spicy food as I do. May the lord have mercy on thou digestive system, you brave souls. Nah but in all seriousness, 10/10 these noodles are absolutely amazing and I recommend them to any spice lovers out there, much love and I hope you enjoyed the read <3