Bests & Worsts Reviews from Amazon

For years, I have wandered the Earth in search of a product that would ensure my bum was not just clean, but showcase ready in the event of an unexpected colonoscopy, highway mooning, Saturday afternoon naked floor washing, or a sudden public pantsing. But the solution was elusive, and I was forced to endure the horror of wiping my precious booty with a thin square of wet cotton through which I could see my entire hand - for the love of God my HAND, while my opposable thumb peeked out from beneath to see what was going on, resulting in an unfortunate case of "doody thumb". From the jungles of Thailand to the ice roads of Siberia, I searched tirelessly, a piece of cotton stuffed between my butt cheeks to keep my twinklestar from being revealed in all its dirty shame. Now, thanks to my new package of Shittens the Magic Poop-erasing Mittens, I can be sure that my fear of wayward dingleberries and poop-swipe tan lines will never become a reality.