Bests & Worsts Reviews from Amazon

STRAP-IN ladies because I have a top-titty bra review for you today. Before this Natori, my tots were aggressively akimbo. They were up high, down low, too slow. They looked like the grandpa from the Simpsons relaxing in a dirty hammock. They were two old tube socks full of rice pudding. To sum up - sexxxy. My journey to this bra began approximately 3 years ago when I came across an elaborate set of pulleys and buttresses in a boutique brassierie in Brussels. Full disclosure, I was absolutely high as balls, but I am 100% certain that the moment I strapped that bra on, the Lord God Almighty came down and shook hands with my glands. I threw 3700 pesos at the shop clerk and went on my merry way. I have small band size and drop length, but am very mammarily gifted, so I have a hard time finding a bra that fits. Alas, I wore that Brussels bra into the ground. Since then, I have been "working on lowering my center of gravity" and "growing sturdier" as my father likes to say and also the band probably shrunk in the wash. By the time 2/3 of the remaining clasps were hanging on for dear life like Fleetwood Mac (no need to tour again, guys- we get it), I tried to replace her and guess what? DISCONTINUED. Because why? You guessed it again... The Patriarchy. I fumbled through inferior, yet costly alternatives. THEN, my genius brain was all like, dude if you can buy a cactus and butt cream on Amazon, maybe you could find that Brussels Bra. Yeah buddy, I can and I did. I threw 3700 pesos at my computer and some underpaid warehouse worker prime shipped my new life to my front door in a bubble mailer. I now have two consistently separate (yet equal, calm down LeftEye) bewbs that are mostly in the correct geographical location on my torso. I never feel like I'm getting a constant, unconsented ribcage hug from my short Uncle Ray. I lifts, yet minimizes. It's a revelation. Since I am nothing but an honest reviewer, I will say that the only minor complaint I have is that the band fabric gets sucked under the underwire, but it's only because I don't have a perfectly flat belly like Heidi Klum BECAUSE I'M NOT HEIDI KLUM DAD AND I AM BEAUTIFUL AND PERFECT JUST THE WAY I AM. In summary, I love this bra.