Bests & Worsts Reviews from Amazon

I had been thinking about a new mattress for a while as I had been waking up feeling like I had spent my nights figniting off hoards of rabid alpacas. I tried researching matresses a few times but there are way too many options out there and every time you go into a matresses store you end up with a salesperson stuck up your arse. I had given up on searching for a while when I saw an ad for purple. Not going to lie, their marketing is genius. Never before have I dropped a grand based on a 2 minute promotional video but I threw my money at them and eagerly awaited its arrival. One day after work, I saw a giant purple burrito adorning my front porch. Despite their well done video advising not to try to carry it yourself, I tossed it on my shoulder and proceeded inside (I'm a man, I don't need no help!). I found the included purple burrito opener tool (along with some sort of blindfold thing which i threw away...my girlfriend isnt that ugly) and promptly broke it, so I whipped out my swiss army knife and opened it like a boss. What happened next was almost magical, a matress unfurled into its full glory. I quickly flopped down on er' and started to question my purchase. Is it too hard or am I too soft? Did I really spend a grand on a purple burrito? Why did they send me a blindfold? Did I forget to buy beer (unrelated but a valid concern)? Well I gave it a shot despite my reservations and woke up the next morning still unsure of my purchase. As I lumbered out of bed and gave out a morning war cry, I noticed something was different. I wasn't hurting, my back, my neck, and the rest of me felt pretty darn good. All in all, I'm not mad with my purchase and either the bed keeps me from hurting or it is a natural repellent for the aforementioned rabid alpacas. Either way it was money well spent.