Bests & Worsts Reviews from Amazon

WOULD I RECOMMEND THIS FOR HARD-CORE COLLECTORS? Sure. WOULD I RECOMMEND THIS FOR A BEGINNER: No. Freaking. Way. When I brought the new Royal Classic into my office this afternoon, an immediate din filled the air. My NOS Charger 11 doubled over in laughter. The Corona 3s shrieked. My refurbished Hermes Rocket wailed, “I thought you said you loved me!” The Olivetti M40 and Studio 44 just shook their heads and, I couldn’t make out what they were saying, but I believe they were mumbling in Italian about my mental state. The Contessas said nothing because they were too busy staring at themselves in a mirror. The most interesting response, of course, came from the five Royals in the room, who all looked at each other and said, “Whose kid is that?” Now before I roll into a full appraisal of the Royal Classic, I think it’s important that we analyze it in context of its peers, not its ancestors. Obviously, this guy isn’t going to measure up to any machine built before 1980. But here’s a quick recap of the other recent typewriter efforts attempted in the late aughts and 2010s: OLIVETTI MS-25/ROYAL SCRITTORE: I don’t know just how well these things can type out of the box because the first time I tried the Scrittore, the ribbon vibrator exploded at the “jumped” portion of the quick brown fox sentence. I do, however, suspect these machines are an excellent fuel source on a cold night in the wilderness. ROYAL SCRITTORE II: If you’ve seen one of these slappy claptraps, they are an obvious imitation of the rounded Olympia Traveller C. They work about as well as them, too. I found them to be an improvement, for whatever that is worth, and I must admit they are a favorite among the new typewriters because it’s just fun to watch those typebars just flying around like someone hysterically waving their hands. ROYAL EPOCH: I think the makers really made an effort with this one, but the only way I can really describe it is with a Star Trek reference. Bear with me. In the original pilot episode titled “The Cage” – which was rejected by NBC – Captain Pike encounters a human survivor on the Planet Talos. The survivor was badly injured when her ship crashed on the planet and the Talosians, who had never seen a human before, tried to put her back together as best they could based on information they cobbled from the downed ship. Apparently, the only thing they found was a DVD of “The Hunchback of Notre Dame” because when they put her together … well … yeah. But the Talosians had really big brains and were masters of illusion, so they were able to cast her appearance to others as if she was real and spectacular. This is the Epoch. It was put together by rapscallions who found typewriter parts in a dumpster. They then handed their creations to someone who put them in a sleek – if unspectacular – body to make a buck. WE R MEMORY KEEPERS TYPECASTER: Stupid name, but I get it. I have two of these and they were among the weirdest experiences of my typewriter collecting life. When I took the first one out of the box, it was as if no one tightened its screws. It was inoperable. The carriage return lever was dangling. I was bored and I channeled my inner Talosian to put the thing back together in a close approximation of what it was supposed to be. Result: Amazeballs. It was a really surprising machine. The alignment was hopeless and each typed line looked like a flat street with speed bumps. But the feel was better than any of the previous new models and better than many 1970s machines. As you well know, the body design is probably the best of all the new machines and a clear inspiration for the Royal Classic’s look. It is plastic and cheap plastic at that. Boo. I bought a second WRMK out of curiosity. It had none of the out-of-box issues of my first one. Its parts were all in the right place with the screws tightened and all, but I committed the sin of typing on it and the noises it made still haunt me. It’s gone now. I told my other typewriters it’s living on a farm where it can run free. OK. The Royal Classic. Here we go: From the drop, as you probably expected as soon as you saw pictures of it, this guy is clearly a continuation of the We R Memory Keepers Typecaster. It’s so obvious that even in the owner’s manual, it is accidentally called a Typecast at one point. That led to an immediate and terrifying concern for me, considering its price. I bought this for $188, which is just $19 over the price Michaels charged for the WRMK. If they replaced the plastic with metal and chose to charge just $19 more for it? There had to be compromises in the build, be it the typewriter’s function or the cheapness of the metal body. Good news: The metal is LEGIT. This is rock-hard, Grade-A steel. Everywhere. The only plastic bits are the keytops and the various knobs. It’s heavy. It’s sturdy. Most of all, it’s bloody gorgeous. Somehow, the metal makes that much of a difference, aesthetically. If it can type even halfway competently, it’s a machine I’ll keep in my office, in my rotation, and on display at all times. Bad news: It can’t type competently. Worse news: It actually hurts to type on it. There is a significant design flaw with the space bar. It is low-slung and has enormous give in it. When you hit it with your thumb, your digit will slam against the front of the frame. After just one sentence, I was feeling a dull throb in the side of my right thumb from striking the frame. Perhaps I can build up a callous. Cripes. This is a pica machine and the typeface pushes the bounds of just how big it can go. The alignment is erratic. One line is perfectly level, the next is a rollercoaster. That is a dark and frightening sign for the build quality. I consider an inconsistency like that to possibly be worse than if it was just simply a rollercoaster. Such a variance means the machining of the components was haphazard and lacked quality control. I call this sort of typewriter a Fernando – “You look MAHVELOUS! It’s better to look good than to feel good!” The feel of the keys is decent enough. It’s like the Epoch and the WRMK in that the tops have a slight cupping to them for your fingertips. It’s comfortable for all your digits except your thumb, which will be giving its life in service to your screed. The keystrike itself is consistent, though the sound of the typebars is that same, annoying, chintzy echo. It has the weird tinny sound of all the others when you use the carriage return. The return isn’t very smooth and there was enough resistance early on that I wondered if I left a plastic stopper in it somewhere. I didn’t. It just needed to warm up. It does stay in place. No hint of migration as you type on it (this detail may vary – I am using a felt pad underneath it). In conclusion: Our Chinese typewriter overlords get a lot of credit for continuing to try new things. The body is a clear and obvious improvement and it rivals the bodies of all our favorite 1940s and 1950s models. Really! I can’t believe I’m typing that, but it’s true. They improved nothing else. I guess we just have to accept that for now. Maybe the next generation will contain build improvements. I’ll gladly pay a little more for that. Remember, back in the early- to mid-century days, buying a typewriter cost the equivalent of a high-end laptop. If they ever put that much effort into a typewriter again, it would probably cost $400-$500 and not find much of a market, so I get the shortcuts. However, it’s a bit of a Catch-22 – you aren’t going to make enough money on a cheap build to justify putting the money into a better build. If you had a better build from the beginning, there’s not a big enough market for typewriters to justify the expense. Will these new typewriters ever improve enough to rival their ancestors? Doubtful. But who knows. Maybe the materials will become cheaper and enable improved build quality. One can dream. In the meantime, I’ll probably be right here, buying every new attempt. I appreciate the effort. This latest typer is pretty, pretty, pretty and definitely an improvement style-wise. Sadly, the mechanics remain a mess, so when I say this typewriter is an improvement, all that really means is we’ve progressed from an Edsel to a Pinto. If you are just starting out on your typewriter adventures, stick to Craigslist or eBay and find you a Smith-Corona Sterling or Super-Silent from the 1950s. It remains the simplest, smoothest and most ubiquitous machine on in the Typosphere. You can get one for less than the cost of this beast and it will last longer despite giving the Classic a nearly 70-year head start.