Bests & Worsts Reviews from Amazon

I was prepared for the ungodly forces of nature to projectile vomit out of my backside and paint the walls in a distasteful satisfaction. But then no, it didn't, it didn't do anything. I mean at all. I don't know if I'm just Johnathon Blazing it and I'm immune to it's dark magic or what; but this ain't it sis. I get it, it's supposed to work overnight, blehblehbleh...I had a teensy bar of the chocolate laxatives you're supposed to eat before bed and in like 2 hours I had to run. I was running, full sprint, and it worked so fast my bile hadn't even color corrected itself yet. Yeah, that happens. I looked it up. Your bile color corrects itself in the small intestine from green to brown. My small intestine was like, "Ok, I'm ready for that sweet, sweet...oh wait, no, I'm not." As it sends the flood down the rabbit hole like Gandalf's body falling after Balrog. Yeah, how do you like that simile? Never compared the two before, but then again why would anyone. Oh, you want to know the kicker was? It's gritty. It specifically says not gritty and I got an entire mouthful of chocolate milk that felt like I opened up the sand of time and accepted death like it was an old friend. But what actually happened was I didn't die and now have to live with the memory for the rest of my life. Thanks, Amazon's Basic Care. I even blended it, man. Shaken, not stirred. It defies all logic and seems to repel water, and dreams. I figured, hey, it'll help me poop tomorrow morning, but tomorrow never comes. And I know that now, Amazon; It never comes.