Bests & Worsts Reviews from Amazon

I didn't really think anything of it when I ordered the giant gummy bear. I was going hiking in the mountains and I wanted an easily backpackable snack. I figured I could snack on one 5lb gummy bear for the entire hike. Things started out okay enough, the hike was relaxing. It was mid-morning, and I got a bit snackish, so I pulled out Giant Gummy Bear and nibbled on his ear while hiking. And that's when things went wrong, horrifyingly wrong. I wasn't watching my footing and I slipped off the edge of a small canyon, falling fifteen feet and losing my grip on Giant Gummy. I landed hard, and Giant Gummy slammed down on my arm like a chewy hammer, wedging it between the canyon wall and Giant Gummy's giant, gummy buttcheeks. It hurt, oh it hurt bad. I drifted in and out of consciousness for hours. Night was falling when I really regained my wits and realized I was in trouble. I couldn't feel my hand, I couldn't stand up, I was pinned in place by Giant Gummy. I wrestled, I squirmed, I fought, but I was no match for Giant Gummy Bear. I was stuck. Over the next couple of days, my consciousness deteriorated from exposure and dehydration. I saw my mom and grandparents, whom I lost in the 1990's, and they told me to hang on, that it wasn't my time yet. I thought of all my failed relationships, and business deals gone wrong. Most of all, I thought of my wife and kids, and how distraught they must be. It was almost five days later when I accepted that help was never going to come, and I screwed together the courage and resolve to get myself out of my situation. I rummaged in my pack until I found my Swiss Army knife. It was hard to open it one-handed, but I managed. I poised it over my pinioned arm, gritted my teeth, and sunk the blade in. Into Giant Gummy, that is. The first bite of Giant Gummy buttock was deliciously sweet and fake-cherry-rific, even after five days outside...but I knew I was going to have to eat a lot more than one bite. I kept carving into Giant Gummy, and eating Giant Gummy, for hours. My jaw grew tired from all the chewing, and my knife was covered in sugary, red goo. I was making progress, though. I could see parts of my arm that I hadn't seen since the fateful slip. Evening was close when I finally carved enough of a tunnel out of Giant Gummy that I could pull my arm free. I stood up for the first time in 127 hours, turned to face down the mountain, and started walking. But first, I tucked the remains of Giant Gummy in my backpack, because hey, waste not, want not.