Bests & Worsts Reviews from Amazon

Amazon has made an understandable error in listing Windows 8 under "Software". Its correct listing should be under "Toys". Contrary to what Microsoft would have you believe, Windows 8 is not an operating system; it's an entertainment platform that turns your hard-working computer into an Xbox that can run TurboTax (maybe). It's sloppily-organized, counter-intuitive, stuffed with brainless gadgets and specifically designed to insult your intelligence at every click of your mouse. And that's not just my opinion only. Dr. Philip Greenspun is well-known Internet entrepreneur, high-tech critic and professor at MIT, and he thinks Windows 8 sucks, too. I can't link directly to his site from here, but searching with a few keywords will bring up the page pronto. (It's probably the single most famous review of Windows 8 on the Web.) Dr. Greenspun calls Windows 8 "A Christmas gift for someone you hate". I like that. Microsoft's priorities when developing its new "flagship operating system" (their term) are immediately evident by the loving care that they lavished on their new Configurable Remote Applications, affectionately called CRApps by experienced Windows 8 users. The "Remote" appellation refers to the playful habit CRApps have of starting up on their own without having been clicked. Try to pull a chart from your documents folder and instead, a CRApp starts a slide show of your niece's graduation. Try to activate your Windows 8 Pro Pack and a CRApp pops up displaying the weather in Ulan Bator. You won't be able to find your computer's Admin Tools folder to save your immortal soul, but you WILL be able to find out what your favorite actress wore to her last court appearance without even clicking your mouse; just wave your cursor over the appropriate CRApp. You pay your hard-earned money in hopes of getting an efficient and easy-to-use operating system, and instead you get CRApped on. (A one-sentence review of Windows 8.) Is there any hope for the poor working stiff who's stuck lugging around this bucket of digital sewage? Well, basically... no. Microsoft, showing that rare combination of serene arrogance and clueless incompetence usually reserved for Congress, has decreed that Windows 8 is the Future of Personal Computing, and everyone who doesn't like it can take their business elsewhere. Except that there ISN'T anywhere else to take it. The foul Dark Lord of Redmond and his squealing Orc minions know it, and they intend to keep it that way. If you're already running Windows 7, you'll want to regard Windows 8 in the same way that a microbiologist regards Ebola virus. Don't even dual-boot the thing unless you can partition it off in the digital equivalent of a lead-lined coffin. Microsoft has announced that it will fully support Windows 7 until 2020, by which time: 1. A frantically desperate Microsoft will have reissued Windows XP, or (even better)... 2. An industry-standard open-source OS will have been developed that will drive Microsoft into well-deserved extinction, or... 3. Western Civilization will have collapsed, reducing us to using clay tablets and sharpened sticks, which still beats running Windows 8. So if you're currently running Windows 7, just sit tight. On the other hand, if you've already made the mistake of "upgrading" to Windows 8, well... you're essentially screwed. Be prepared to see your productivity fall through the floor. You can't re-install your old operating system because Microsoft has made it nearly impossible for you to dual-boot or revert to Windows 7 due to a new "feature" called "Secure Boot". (Like so many other terms, "feature" and "upgrade" should always be bracketed in quotation marks when applied to Microsoft products.) Microsoft claims that "Secure Boot" is a "security" component intended to prevent malware from taking over your computer. In reality, it's a monopoly-assurance function that prevents you from dual-booting competing operating systems like Linux or Ubuntu (or even Microsoft's OWN legacy operating systems, which is pretty damn pathetic). Just WHAT will it take before the Justice Department initiates antitrust proceedings against these b*st*rds?!? If you've just bought a new computer, you're doubly screwed, because most new computers have Windows 8 Standard Edition pre-installed. This means that in addition to having no option of re-installing Windows 7, you're also stuck with the countless asinine obstacles that Windows 8 places in the way of getting your work done, like the spectacularly useless "Lock" screen, the cheesy "Start" screen, the snippy little text boxes that carp at your audacity in daring to rename an icon, and to top it all off, a near-terminal case of the CRApps. That last statement needs modification: you're stuck with all this garbage UNLESS you pay Microsoft another seventy bucks in ransom money for an "upgrade" to Windows 8 Professional in return for the ability to turn these pestilential annoyances OFF. The buck-naked insolence of those bottom-feeding coelenterates in Redmond is nothing short of breathtaking. What other "features" do you get with Windows 8? You get Microsoft's infamous, weaselly, mealy-mouthed, cognitively-impaired "support" services, that's what. Anyone who has ever dealt with Microsoft "Support" will immediately recognize this episode: Bought a new computer last week that had Windows 8 Standard pre-installed, and found that gpedit.msc wouldn't open from the command prompt. A web search revealed that I needed Windows 8 Professional in order to have gpedit.msc privileges. Okay, fair enough; gpedit is usually an administrator-level command. So I forked over seventy bucks and installed the "upgrade". Still couldn't open gpedit. This time I couldn't find a solution on the Web, and, feeling a deepening dread with every keystroke, dialed Microsoft. They said to call the computer manufacturer. (Sound familiar?) Called the manufacturer. They said no, this was definitely an OS problem and that I needed to call Microsoft. Called Microsoft again; they said that I needed to call the retailer who sold me the "upgrade". CALL THE RETAILER? "Wait a minute. You're saying that Microsoft expects STAPLES to be responsible for supporting MICROSOFT'S OWN OPERATING SYSTEMS?!?" I summoned up some colorful language that I haven't used since Army basic training, slammed down the receiver, and immediately started writing this review. May the gods strike every employee at Microsoft with chronic colitis. And I STILL can't open gpedit.msc. B*st*rds.