Bests & Worsts Reviews from Amazon

Here's what you get for your $170+ dollars: A plastic device the size of a deck of cards with an LED display from the early 90's. Batteries not included. So you put the batteries in and turn it on and enter the date and time. The screen then says: INSERT FINGER So you insert your finger and the screen says: ADJUSTING SENSOR A series of dots begin to move across the screen like this: ........................................ After about thirty seconds of dots you get this message: SENSOR ERROR. HOLD YOUR FINGER STEADY AND AVOID SUNLIGHT So you try again, holding your finger steady and avoiding sunlight, which is easy because it's night and you're indoors. The dots start moving across the screen again: .............................................................................. Message: SENSOR ERROR. HOLD YOUR FINGER STEADY AND AVOID SUNLIGHT Hmm. So you hold your finger very very steady this time and you get: .............................................................................. Then: SENSOR ERROR. HOLD YOUR FINGER STEADY AND AVOID SUNLIGHT You check the troubleshooting section of the owner's manual and it says try a different finger. So you try a different finger: ............................................................................... Message: SENSOR ERROR. HOLD YOUR FINGER STEADY AND AVOID SUNLIGHT Back to the owner's manual where it says make sure your hands are warm. So you rub your hands together like Mr Miyagi until they're burning hot and try again: ............................................................................. Message: SENSOR ERROR. HOLD YOUR FINGER STEADY AND AVOID SUNLIGHT Back to the owner's manual which says make sure the batteries are fresh. So you put in a brand new pair and try again: ............................................................................. Message: SENSOR ERROR. HOLD YOUR FINGER STEADY AND AVOID SUNLIGHT Just for the heck of it you try your third finger: ........................................................................................ Message: SENSOR ERROR. HOLD YOUR FINGER STEADY AND AVOID SUNLIGHT And then your pinky: ....................................................................................... Message: SENSOR ERROR. HOLD YOUR FINGER STEADY AND AVOID SUNLIGHT So you try your other hand: ....................................................................................... Message: SENSOR ERROR. HOLD YOUR FINGER STEADY AND AVOID SUNLIGHT Your 3-year-old walks in and asks what you're doing so you try her finger: ....................................................................................... Message: SENSOR ERROR. HOLD YOUR FINGER STEADY AND AVOID SUNLIGHT And you can feel your stress just melting away. Because it's been 20 minutes now and the %#$%! thing can't even find a pulse. You remember the owner's manual mentions you can try wetting your hand so you wet your hand: ..................................................................................................... Message: SENSOR ERROR. HOLD YOUR FINGER STEADY AND AVOID SUNLIGHT Ah, pure bliss. Thank you, StressEraser. You resist the urge to crush it with a hammer.