Bests & Worsts Reviews from Amazon

Why is it so hard to make a good all-in-one. I had a nightmare with another Epson printer (that supposedly had great reviews), so I bounced it from my life. Rather than bail on Epson altogether, I trusted more reviews that said THIS is the AIO printer you want. Turns out, nope. It's not. Epson XP-830, how do I hate thee? Let me count the ways. First, the warnings about colored ink disappearing faster than pork chops at a pit-bull convention are absolutely true. Yes, you'll say to yourself, "I'm sure those complainers are doing something wrong," or "Hey, I can live with buying ink more frequently." No. No you can't. Because no sane person in this reality can possibly wrap their heads around how quickly ink disappears in this thing. It's like this printer lives in its own time-space vortex, where within a few days of placing a brand new ink cartridge into this printer, it instantly begins dying at an accelerated rate that defies physics. Within days of installing a new one, AS IN YOU COULD COUNT THEM ON YOUR FINGERS AND TOES, the cartridge is low ink again. It's like its the Arc of the Covenant melting your ink like Nazis on an ship deck. "Okay," you say, "I'll just make sure I always have spares on hand." Here's the thing: You'll buy a couple hundred dollars worth of spares, thinking you're safe from that dreaded "I need this document printed immediately or they'll turn off my water" moment. You'll get the "low ink" error. Smugly, you'll reach into your drawer and pull out your spare cartridge. You'll calmly send it through its far-too-long-requiring-too-many-button-presses process to replace the ink, you'll swing open the top, pull out the old cartridge, place the new cartridge in the carriage and.... the printer cartridge *won't fit* in the carriage. You'll pull it back out, look at the carriage, look at the cartridge, try again and it still won't fit. Trust me. You'll spend the next 15 minutes of your life trying to get that cartridge to fit... in... the... damn... printer. The thing is, Epson has built these printers a micron of two off, so replacement cartridges won't fit. If you indulge in your fury (and you will, my friend, you will), and ham-fist it in, it still won't recognize the existence of the 410xCyan cartridge you just mashed into your machine like a square peg into a round hole. "Oh, you say, you must have purchased off-brand ink. I'll just buy Epson ink." Nay-nay, friends. This is Epson ink. Branded and purchased through Epson, itself. Then, thinking you're so much smarter than this infernal machine, you'll tell it to print black-and-white instead of color because your low cartridge is cyan. If you don't use cyan, you can print, right? Oh, poor creature. This is Epson. They don't sell printers... they sell *ink*. You didn't think they figured out your little work around? Well, you have to get up pretty early to fool them, because this printer won't print ANYTHING unless every single cartridge is as full as a fat uncle at Thanksgiving. "Aha!" you'll think, "Ill just scaaaaan and fax via email." "Child's play," says Epson XP-830. "You will not be able to cancel out of the ink replacement process without turning off the printer... and I take about five minutes or more to power down and then back turn on... because... I'm a dick. And when I power up, I will go back to the "low ink" screen and not let you exit out of it until you put in a new cartridge, because... I'm a colossal dick." "I print money for Epson, not documents for you," it will sneer. So, you'll begin the long process of calling Epson, explaining your printer won't accept your ink cartridge (keeping in mind, you still haven't printed that document you MUST print asap). They will question where you purchased your printer, your ink, the last thing you ate, where your first child was conceived... they will put you through 45 minutes of questions (this coming after being on hold for an hour). "Oh, you're just making that up! Forty-five minutes?!?! Noooo..." Yes. They will eventually come to the conclusion that you need to be sent another "starter cartridge," just to see if it works. This is the cartridge your printer ships with, not the "x" replacement models. You will wait 10 days for the starter cartridge to arrive. Meanwhile, you will forge a new first-name friendship with the lady at Kinkos. Eventually she'll start bringing doughnuts in the mornings because that's what "co-workers" do with each other. You'll remind her you don't actually work there, it just seems like it because you're spending most of your days printing documents at her shop because you're waiting for your starter cartridge. Ten long days (and 20 doughnuts) later, you'll get your starter cartridge. It will fit. Your life will return back to normal. You'll almost forget the odyssey of running out of cyan. You'll convince yourself it's a one off. You'll go so far into denial that you'll buy another set of spare cartridges, thinking that it was probably a bad batch of ink packs; it couldn't be the printer itself. That. Just. Couldn't. Happen. A week? Ten days? Maybe a month passes? One day, when you are on deadline and must get this document to an evil woman two states over who says she'll happily murder your business because you're missing it, you'll get the "low-ink black" message. You'll talk yourself down from your initial nerves, because you'll remind yourself you have *new* ink cartridges — not those old broken ones. You were smart! Except it won't matter. You'll start the entire process again — a slightly truncated version, since Epson will remember your name and have system-notes indicating that you had this problem before. It won't take 45 minutes to convince them it's them, not you. Only 10 or so. Which... is better. Still won't get your document printed any faster. I would *hope* at some point that this will cause my printer to be replaced, but as its nearing the warrantee, I suspect that Epson's appearance of helpfulness is actually a contrivance to get me past my warrantee replacement date. So... while better than the other Epson all-in-one (I also wrote a lengthy review of that mess), this printer is another complete piece of junk. No, it doesn't take over your phone lines and start randomly talking; no, it doesn't lock up half way through large scans (I really hated that printer...); but does fail a quite crucial test of a fax+scanner+printer: It won't fax, scan, or print. Avoid. (Photo is the pile of black cartridges that are all full but won't fit into printer. I have similar piles for each color. For a fun activity with kids, go price out these cartridges, multiply by the number of cartridges, and then extrapolate the force of the blow my fist has put through my office wall.)