Bests & Worsts Reviews from Amazon

My story is a grim one, though I shall be brief in the telling. I bought these cables as a kindness to help the old man with whom I lodge although he has a great deal of money of his own, a fact which caused me, I confess, no little grievance. His hearing is affected with the deafness of old age and I believed that a fine pair of speaker cables would extend the years of his auditory pleasure. I was never sure that he was using them, as I could hear no music coming from within his chamber, and he expressed no gratitude that I had done such a generous thing for him - this last, however, though it galled me, surprised me not, as he is by nature a tight, hard, walnut-hearted man, miserly with his feelings even towards those who help him so. I took to creeping into his chamber in the night to see whether he was using the speakers and cables covertly, assuming I would be abed and asleep. I could scarcely credit such an act would be possible, even from such a man, but - my hand trembles to record it - I found it so. Putting my head by degrees within the door of his chamber I discovered him in bed, insensible to my presence, enjoying the music (such clarity! such angelic harmony I now heard!) a smile of almost lustful joy upon his sunken chops. How quickly and suddenly my fury rose - that he should know I had struck myself with the direst poverty to increase his musical pleasure, yet not to grant me the merest sliver of acknowledgement or gratitude! I was for a moment a madman, and in that instant I leaped within the room and pulled the heavy speaker cabinets upon him. I checked that he was deceased - his heart beat on for several seconds, muffled as a watch within cotton wool, and then ceased. I will not trouble you with the gross details of the disposal of the body. Suffice to say that I removed him and his corporeal traces so completely from this earth that when the constables called the next day, inquiring after noises neighbours had heard in the night, I greeted them with utmost equanimity. I invited them in. I threw open all the doors. I took them within the very chamber where I had done the deed. A reckless confidence akin to madness seized me. 'Are these not fine speakers?' I cried. 'See, the very cables themselves did cost thousands of dollars; can there be any clearer evidence that I loved the old man?' At that, I promised I would let them hear the marvels of those devilish wires and I played them music - or so I intended. To my growing horror, all that emerged was a beat; a rhythmic, steady beat, growing to a clamour - and muffled no more, but clear, sparkling, crystalline in all its awful clarity, a noise that pronounced my guilt. 'Fiendish cables!' I shrieked. 'Cease your denunciation! I confess! It is the high definition beating of his hideous heart!'