Bests & Worsts Reviews from Amazon

As the silken, mellifluous rain drifts down past my office portal, like gelatinous tears from the Gods, I glide to my PC to pen this review. My words flow like melted butter down the craggy slopes of a glacier, nonchalantly at first, then at a calamitous pace to their penultimate doom in the briny depths. My azure eyes, like a Siberian Husky's dream of heaven, fill with sodium chloride, like a test tube in Walter White's laboratory. Get the idea? This book has never met an adjective it didn't like. Why use a simple word when a four-syllable one exists? It also has a case of multiple personality. Is it a fairy tale, murder mystery, horror story, novel about a dystopian world of the future? Who knows? It's really all of these. Almost every page deals with how no one can look at the main character, Addison Goodheart (really??) without wanting to kill him (we are never given his description), but when we finally find out why, it's an anticlimax. I downloaded the book to my Kindle after all the 5-star reviews, but I wish I hadn't.