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I have been a great fan of Ian McEwan's novels for many years and I came across The Comfort of Strangers completely unaware that it was one of his early efforts. I started it full of the expectation which I naturally reserve for a favourite writer. I hadn't got far into it before the alarm bells started ringing. Quick plot summary. Two very strange and stupid people go on holiday and meet two lunatics who do really horrible things to them for no apparent reason. Colin and Mary are on holiday in Venice. For some bizarre reason the name of the city is never mentioned, and given that there is literally nowhere else on this earth that it could possibly be, it comes across as a particularly pompous literary device. Anyway, Colin and Mary are not speaking and we never find out why. They are preparing for their ritual evening of cocktails followed by dinner. They seem vague, detached, disinterested and bored. At the time I thought that this could be interesting as there is so much not said but having waded through this turgid tome I don't feel it's much of spoiler to advise you not to hold your breath. Well, anyway, for no apparent reason they suddenly forgive each other and decide to make love (and what a lacklustre event this is - indeed, describing their love-making in general the author informs us that they quite often nod off in the middle of a session) which delays their plans for the evening. Now here the author would have us believe that all the restaurants in one of the top tourist destinations in the world are closed by 9pm. Colin and Mary know this too but they go out anyway. They have been lost many times before but they don't take the maps. (What?) And what happens? Yes, they get lost! They meet a stranger called Robert who won't stop touching them - so much that they both ask him to stop. Robert takes them to a gay bar that he apparently owns. There is no food in this bar (the cook is ill) so they drink several bottles of wine. Robert tells them his life story. His father and his beastly sisters were very unkind to him. Conveniently, Robert speaks English extraordinarily well which absolves Colin and Mary of the necessity of being fluent in Italian. They leave the bar and Colin and Mary, having not thought of the most obvious solution to their present problem, that is asking directions from Robert who is a local, let him simply walk away and they continue being lost. They sleep in the street. (What?) They wake up very thirsty and can't find a cafe in Venice. (What?) Mary informs Colin that he hasn't shaved. This is actually not true at all. Their meticulous toilette was described quite specifically before they left the hotel 12 hours previously, including the detail that Colin was indeed shaving for the second time that day. It was just before they made love so she should have noticed it then (oh, of course I'm forgetting she was probably asleep!) They decide to go to the hospital of all places because they might be able to get a drink of water. (What?) Nothing happens but now they don't appear to be lost so much so they decide to head back to the hotel via St Mark's Square. Hey presto, there are some cafes here! They are still very very thirsty (indeed Mary's lips are cracked) but the nasty waiter won't give them any water. (What?) He does tell them where there is a tap but they ignore this and stay and order coffee. Robert happens to walk past and he invites them to his place. They accept and leave in a boat with him before their coffee arrives (still presumably dying of thirst). [If I may just interrupt here to say that I have been to Italy several times (including Venice) and the standard response when you ask for water is 'Sí, Signore, acqua minerale o naturale?' - 'Yes sir, mineral water or natural?' Also this business of being lost is just not credible - of course you can get momentarily confused in those little streets but the Grand Canal is only ever a stone's throw away from anywhere, and I am mystified as to how McEwan can possibly expect the millions upon millions of people who have been there to believe that these two had to resort to sleeping in the street.] Colin and Mary wake up in Robert's house and they can't find their clothes. (What?) Mary does some shoulder stands anyway with nothing on. (What?) She finds a nightie so she goes on a tour of the house leaving Colin naked and alone. She meets Robert's wife Caroline (for the first time) who notices how Mary wolfs down the single biscuit she is offered, so staggers off to prepare many sandwiches for her. Mary doesn't mention Colin who is still alone and naked in the bedroom and who apparently hasn't eaten anything for about 36 hours. The two women discuss murder. (As you do). Colin joins them wearing only a handtowel. Caroline tells them she has been looking at them while they were asleep and naked. (What?) She invites them to dinner and they accept. (What?) During drinks before dinner Robert takes Colin into another room and punches him in the stomach causing him to collapse on the floor. (What?) Colin does not question this. (What?) He also doesn't consider it necessary to mention what just happened to the ladies when they rejoin them. In fact he doesn't tell Mary about it for four more days! (WHAT?) They continue with cocktails during which Robert fondles Colin's shoulders. (What?) After dinner Caroline invites them to return and they accept. (What?) She explains that she can't leave the house because she is so badly injured. No-one asks what happened to her. (What?) It turns out later that she has masochistic tendencies and she never really got over that last broken back (Huh?) Colin and Mary return to their hotel and, inexplicably, indulge in a 4-day frenzy of sex and gluttony. (What?) At meal times they have 1½ courses each and 2 bottles of wine each. Not one hangover or bout of vomiting is mentioned. (Now, I don't know about you but I reckon Colin must be made of very stern stuff if he can consume such a vast amount of alcohol and still manage to ravish his girlfriend several times a day for four days). They discuss orgasms. Colin reveals that he has an aching emptiness somewhere between his scrotum and his anus. (Good grief! Do we really need to know this?) They also reveal some rather obscene fantasies to each other which I won't bore you with here. Suffice to say that I'm glad I wasn't eating at the time I read this. The next morning Mary reveals that while they were at Robert and Caroline's for dinner she saw a photo of Colin that Robert showed her. She apparently didn't ask Robert how he came to have this, nor did she didn't mention it then to Colin or during the next 4 days. (What?) She is very frightened. Colin would understandably be a bit spooked too but his reaction isn't mentioned. On a completely overcast day (the sky is described as being black!) Colin and Mary decide to go to the beach. Just before they leave Colin sticks his finger deep inside Mary, (What?) but they remind each other they are going to the beach and they pull apart to pack the towels. They have a bitch of a time finding a spot on the beach but they do and then Mary nearly drowns. Well, no actually she wasn't drowning at all - she was just having a lovely swim but Colin was absolutely certain she was in peril and spent ages stroking out to save her, nearly drowning himself in the process. (What?) On the way back they decide not to go all the way round the island so they get off the boat at a different stop and who should they run into? That's right. Those two loonies. So what do they do in their infinite wisdom? They go into their house. (Oh God almighty!) Need I go on? The grisly denouement is just as bizarre as the rest of it and will leave you scratching your head with mystification.