Bests & Worsts Reviews from Amazon

If you've done any research into sous vide devices, you know that ANOVA and ChefSteps rule the roost. Objectively, the Joule bested the competition in every respect that mattered to me: efficiency, speed, and size. It's smaller, it heats water quicker, and the minimalist style appealed to me. I saw no reason the Joule wasn't the best. Every review I read said something along the lines of "we'd give the Joule the top spot, but the lack of physical controls will be a deal-breaker for some." "Ha!" I scoffed. "Who are these fuddy-duddy luddites?" Dials and knobs are so last century! Yes, the Joule requires an app, but I always have my phone on me. No problem. I began to get a sinking sensation as soon as I unpacked the Joule. "Say Hello To Your Little Friend" smarmed the box. I was then informed that my "new kitchen BFF" was going to help make "epic edge-to-edge" steak and the "cutest lil cheesecake you ever did see." Ha! Dude, Scarface! Epic! Now I wouldn't normally mention the brotastic marketing douchebags, but the Joule's sophomoric tone doesn't stop at the box. Why? Because you have to download the "awesome app" and deal with their nonsense just to turn the damn thing on. Look, Joules, you are a machine that heats water, and keeps it at a certain temperature. We don't have to be BFFs. I'm not pals with my blender. I'm not even on speaking terms with most of my kitchen appliances. But it's worse than just having a piece of metal and plastic strike an inappropriately familiar tone with you. Joule will constantly badger you to connect to your Wi-Fi. "Uh-oh! Joule can't connect to the internet!" But why would I need to connect to the internet to heat water? Why do you so desperately want to connect to the internet? I paid $180 for a machine that heats water. Let me just heat the water, for the love of god. No, I don't have Alexa, I don't want Alexa and I do not care that I can link Alexa with this abomination. Meanwhile, the Bluetooth, being Bluetooth, usually takes 5 minutes to finally connect. Even when it does turn on, the Joule app tells me that it didn't work. But it's clearly heating the water. Five minutes later when I check the temperature the Joule app decides that it was in fact working. Or maybe not. At this point I am wondering why in the world does this damned device not have a temperature dial. Why? Why?! Why!?!?