Bests & Worsts Reviews from Amazon

I've been trying to read "A Discovery of Witches" -- it looked fun and had come highly recommended by someone I thought I trusted -- but here's a paraphrased, conglomerated conversation between the main character, Diana, and her love interest: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Oh, Matthew de Clairmont! You must remember that I'm an independent and strong 35-year-old, tenured, Oxford professor! I don't need your help just because you are a thousand-year-old vampire who looks like a 30-something and smells of spices and has long elegant fingers and a chiseled jaw and broad shoulders and mesmerizing eyes and such masculine energy and impeccable taste in wine and cheese and mushrooms and ...... *swoons*....oh, all that MONEY!" "I know, Diana, my love, my goddess. You are the strongest witch I've ever known! You row and run every day and your body is just...SCHUH-WING! You are so much stronger than I am! I tried so hard not to love you, but I am drawn to your power and your light! NO! Wait! I mustn't! I am so ....dangerous...so dark...! I can't bear the thought of accidentally attacking you." "Oh Matthew, you know I will love you no matter what. I know I can handle your wild beastliness!" "No, Diana, I am telling you I could kill you if I lose control! I am so broooooody and daaaaaark!" "Oh, you silly! I know you love me! We've known each other almost 3 weeks now and I just KNOW you could never, ever give me the hurtsies and booboos! And will you please show me how to use my magic that I have always known was there but just couldn't awaken without you? *simper* NO! No, WAIT! I don't WANT to be a witch! I've always known I have such power and I'm the most special witch that ever was, but I'm just too afraid to use my vast powers! Magic has always led me to....to....PAIN...! *sobs* "Enough! You are wearing yourself out! I ORDER you to go have a bath and eat something, Diana Bishop! You WILL NOT be allowed to get sick while you are under my...er....protection...! I will not have it!" "Oh, Matthew de Clairmont! I simply cannot go shower and I know it's been days since I've had a bite but I don't think I can eat! I'm just so sad when I have to leave your side! I'm sure to flood the world with my magical tears! Yesterday, while you were gone I nearly flooded your mother's house with my enchanted waters!" "You WHAT? Oh, how could I?! I left you here for a whole day without my guidance, and look what happened! What if you had DIED? Oh, I blame myself!" *sobs* "Oh, Matthew, promise me you won't ever go anywhere again!" "You know I can't promise, Diana. You know I must come and go on all this secret business I won't tell you about to PROTECT you!" "I don't need your protection, Matthew! Remember, I am an independent and strong 35-year-old, tenured, Oxford professor with a fabulous body wrought by 16-hours of rowing and running every single day! And if you'll leave again, I just don't know what I'll do, except cry! And maybe snoop through your drawers." "Yes, you are so strong, my darling Diana. So independent! But, don't make me lose my temper with you. Now you GET! Go on, GET! To your room! AT ONCE! I will order a dinner tray brought to you!" "Yes, Matthew!" *giggle* "I can tell you care about me because you are so moody and bossy! Just don't forget that I am an independent and strong 35-year-old, tenured, Oxford professor!" "It gives me a boner. Oh, and by the way Diana, you and I were married two weeks ago." "Oh! We were MARRIED? Without my strong and independent permission?" "Yes. I kissed you, and in the vampire world that means you're mine." "But, in the vampire world aren't the men in charge? Does this mean I have to let you lead and make all the decisions?" "I'm afraid it does." "Oh, okay. Just remember that I'm strong and independent 35-year-old, tenured, Oxford professor, and I don't need you or anyone else to rescue me! Will you carry me upstairs for my nap and my half-bite of watercress sandwich? I'm feeling peaked." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I don't know how much further I'm going to get, gag reflex being what it is and all. It feels like a repackaged Twilight or 50 Shades of Grey, with the same wet-noodle, codependent Muppet-Woman in the lead.