Bests & Worsts Reviews from Amazon

My name is Kvothe. My awesome heroic account narrated by me is pure truth, I assure you. Do not worry folks. You're looking for a review. I'm giving you one. We'll get to that in a minute. But first, find some time to listen to me. You don't have time? What makes you think you can leave here, knowing what you know? (I said this exact sentence in my book.) Now you want to listen to me after I gave you a death threat? Good. When you take note, do not presume to change a word I say. (I also said this in the book!) I'm gifted. Not just gifted in one way, I'm gifted in every freaking way. I'm skilled with music, acting, medicine, chemistry, alchemy, things you might call magic. In fact, anything cool, you name it. When I was only about twelve, I devoured in months lessons grown-ups would take years to learn. I had flash-fast, word for word, page for page memory. They ended up paying me instead of charging me for tuition. I was the youngest in quite a while. In barely a week, I owned a teacher so hard, embarrassed him in front of the class, making him hate me for life. In return, I was punished unfairly but also rewarded with a rank students took years to earn - I only took a few days. I saved women. One of the most beautiful girls in the school even invited me into her room, which I refused, of course. I was too pure to do that. I bested my rivals every time we confronted each other, in this book, at least. They accepted me as one of the musical genius, and I was the youngest to gain that recognition, even after my rival played dirty and tried to ruin my performance. By hurting him, I earned another rank. And the best part is, it didn't stop there. You see, I was brilliant. Not just your run-of-the-mill brilliance either. I was extraordinarily brilliant. (I said exactly this in my book too. Word for word!) Not yet apparent in this book, but printed on the back cover, I have stolen princesses back from sleeping barrow kings. I burned down the town of Trebon. I have spent the night with Felurian and left with both my sanity and my life. I was expelled from the University at a younger age than most people are allowed in. I tread paths by moonlight that others fear to speak of during day. I have talked to Gods, loved women, and written songs that make the minstrels weep. My name is Kvothe, not Mary Sue. You may have heard of me. You see, I said I would give you a review, but I don't even have to. Because by the time you reach here, I'm pretty sure you get the point.