Bests & Worsts Reviews from Amazon

Now, does that title make any sense whatsoever? Or does it seem like a series of words randomly strung together? (Hint: it's the latter.) Welcome to the world of first-time author Elizabeth L. Silver, who it seems never met a simile she didn't like. Although this novel has an intriguing premise and was listed among Amazon's "Best Books of the Month" (a testament more to the skill of Ms. Silver's publicist than to the taste of Amazon's editors), it is unfortunately an abject failure. Apart from the wholly unsatisfying nature of the rather ridiculous final "reveal" of the crime, the writing is painfully overblown, consisting of page after page strewn with awkward and often nonsensical similes. A few examples: "Marlene twisted her neck like the top of a soda bottle opening." (Sounds like Marlene will be needing a chiropractor.) "It's isolating, like a termite scuffling up your innards." (Huh?) "The pearl of blood dripped onto the white duvet like a spot of chocolate." (Yum.) "A pale rough armor covered his mouth like scales from a striated fish." (Try as I might, I just can't make a sensible mental picture of this.) "A smirk seeped out between my lips like an unsuspecting belch." (I've never seen a smirk between someone's lips, nor do I have any idea what a belch might suspect or not suspect.) "Thirteen individuals, marinating in the enclosed jury box like a carton of dried-out fruit." (Um, if it's marinating, it's not dried out.) "His heart was too visible outside his garments, where it resided like lint on a week-old sweater." (Is there a different kind of lint on a two-week-old sweater? Though I suppose if your heart is visible outside of your garments, you've got a lot worse problems than lint.) "His moans lubricated the phone lines like a sexually transmitted disease." (Oh, dear.... not just an STD, but a lubricating one.) At times Ms. Silver appears unable (or unwilling) to decide which of her army of similes to use, so she just throws them all in: "The water felt so warm and soothing on its way down, like honey dripping from a cone. Like ice cream from a scoop. Like thick hot chocolate, gooey with melted marshmallows on its veneer." On other occasions, similes appear repetitively in consecutive sentences, such as the following trifecta: "My heart trilled like the swirling end of a violin solo. My mind circled like whirling dervishes. My eyes dried as if someone were blowing into them." Sorry, Ms. Silver, but including "like" in the majority of your sentences doesn't make your novel "literary"... just tiresome. Apart from the wholly excessive use of simile, many sentences use such clunky vocabulary and syntax that the reader is left scratching his or her head even after multiple readings: "I noticed a shadow lurking on the corner, a diffident amalgamation of restraint and might all in the same amorphous splotch." "I gave him one of those smiles you give when you are uncomfortable or when enough years have passed with an old acquaintance that you no longer have to say hello to anymore when you see him on the street." "Whirls of tornadic subjugation seeped through the little holes of the telephone receiver." (WTF?) If any of the above seems like good writing to you, by all means enjoy "The Execution of Noa P. Singleton." If not, save your money.