Bests & Worsts Reviews from Amazon

UGH. This whole series was a travesty really, but like any good masochist I plodded through. By the time I got to Breaking Dawn I knew I was in it just for the laughs but sadly, it failed in that department too. I can honestly say this is one of the few books in my life that I've literally had to refrain from throwing against the wall in sheer frustration. There are just so many things WRONG here that it's hard to sum them all up succinctly. Reasons why this thing almost ended up as wall fodder ( **warning, spoilers below**) 1. Our heroine barely out of high school really REALLY wants to have sex with her sparkly boyfriend. Okay, whatever. There's a catch though. Sparkly boyfriend wants to wait until marriage. Bella doesn't want to get married, in fact the idea utterly repulses her. But sparkly boyfriend just won't let it go and our fearless heroine ends up "caving" because she really, really wants the sex that badly. The whole "engagement" scene amounts to Bella trying to jump him and getting denied, then accepting the ring with a lackluster "sigh....FINE. If that's what It takes to get laid then I'll do it. Give me the ring that I don't want to wear already, damn!!" Really Steph?? That's the best you can do for two people who are supposedly passionately in love?! Nice. 2. Oh and screw college while you're at it. Because who needs an education when your ultimate goal in life is to marry a rich vampire and spend 24/7 with him. What a message to send to your target audience. 3. The Pregnancy. This has to be the saddest excuse of pro-life propaganda disguised as sexy YA fiction ever. If that's your cup of tea then great, you'll really like the first half of this book. If not then be prepared for massive headaches caused by excessive eye-rolling. 4. The Birth. I find it fascinating that the author tiptoes gently over the whole implied sex thing, yet goes above and beyond (wayyyy above and wayyyy beyond) to make sure the Miracle of Childbirth is depicted in a way that would make the makers of the Saw movie franchise proud. If the readers were expecting no less than a monster bloodaholic baby to come out of this romantic union, then this delivers (no pun intended). I will give Meyers credit in that she definitely has a promising future in the horror/scifi genre. 5. A Dingo Ate My Baby? No honey, that's just the werewolf imprinting himself on the newborn. But the Cullens have more important things to worry about, like keeping Bella away from her newborn lest she find the Bundle of Joy appetizing. To her credit though Bella isn't exactly down with the whole imprinting thing at first. That is, until she realizes that having your kid get engaged to the family dog means a built-in babysitter and thus more time for sex with Edward. Awesome. 6. Vampire p*ssing contest. What happens for the rest of the book is pretty much pointless, as the whole thing gears up to to be one big showdown that never amounts to anything. Basically the leaders of the vampire underworld, the Volturi, aren't down with Bellaward's freaky kid and plot to destroy them all. So the Cullens gather their frenemies to lead into battle Lord of the Rings style. Except the battle doesn't happen, except in Bella's and the Volturi leader's minds. Because now that Bella is a vamp she has super awesome magical powers like an invisible shield that she spreads over the frenemies to protect them from an equally freaky vampire that can make them pretend they are in pain. And then they all live happily ever after. Not joking.