Bests & Worsts Reviews from Amazon

It has taken me a small eternity to write this review. I was down a hand for I had to use my left index finger to clamp down on my left eyelid in order to stop the twitching that began around page 65 of Beautiful Creatures. Meet the culprit. "As I lay down, she sat up, I sat up, she laid down, I laid down. Awkward." Hell, now the right one is doing it. To quote Hawkeye, from the 1991 movie version of Last of the Mohicans, Beautiful Creatures is "a breed apart and makes no sense" therefore making it nearly impossible to describe. It's a contradictory mess and filled with 600 pages of driveling, hyperbole, that attempts, and yet fails miserably, at being cerebral. I'll take it from the top. Ethan. Who knew that 16 year old boys had so much in common with my great grandmother? Big granny could tell you everything there was to know about Southern style architecture, felt the world would end if she ran a few minutes late, and loved Gone With the Wind. Coincidentally, she and Ethan could have been soul mates. Even more amazing, Ethan is popular. Had he gone to my school (which was in a small southern town I might add) he would have been beat, both before and after school, and mocked mercilessly during class. Lena. Can't really say anything about her, she is that flat and dull. Amma. She must have fallen out of the crazy tree and hit every branch on the way down. She would dominate at a staring contest, could probably teach me a thing or two about setting the eye on someone, and if I ever needed to intimidate a guy by sharpening my pencil, she'd be the first person I would call. But as a character, she sucked arse. Plot. Can't say much about it as there isn't one. I've seen it mentioned more than once in various blubs, that Beautiful Creatures is a memorizing Southern Gothic tale. To be frank, these women would be hard pressed to describe a south that didn't appear in Gone With the Wind. This was truly driven home when another granny in the book stated that she wanted to be buried with her Bible so that she would have something to read once she passed. Any southerner worth their salt knows that statement would never be uttered south of the Mason Dixon line for two reasons. One, we all know that you will your battered family Bible to the least liked family member so that they are coerced by post mortem guilt to display it among their treasures once they have written your death date in it with a 10 cent pen they find buried in the back of a drawer and second because grannies don't read Bibles, they just quote from them in order to brow beat you into submission. Basically, this entire book spits out clichés, cites works of literature that far surpass this one, Lena worries that she is evil, and she and Ethan hunt for a book that is rendered useless. I wish I could have told Lena not to fret, because the real spawn(s) of Satan are the people who are responsible for publishing and/or advertising this book. Beautiful Creatures was blogged, blurbbed, and podcasted for at least 6 mos. prior to its release. I'd given them props if I weren't so mad at them for their treachery. Had I been in their shoes, I would have quoted Bill Nighy from Love Actually, "Please boys and girls, buy this festering turd of a book so that someone can finally knock Stephanie Meyer off the best seller list." Lastly, for those of you who read my review thus far, I must apologize. I have pulled a Garcia and Stohl and have gone on too long. I bid you my blurb. "Beautiful Creatures is freakishly weird, nonsensical, and plot-less tome that will leave your eye twitching long after you have turned the last page."