Bests & Worsts Reviews from Amazon

This is called “regret,” my friends. My 5-year-old daughter asked in passing for a “giant Hatchimal” for Christmas. A Hatchimal is a little egg thing with a stuffed animal inside. You break the egg, throw away the egg shell, and voila, you have a new little stuffed animal. I said, “Okay, neat,” and I bought one on Amazon. Oh no no no, mon freres, this thing is not just a stuffed animal. This is a full-blown Tamagotchi nightmare. This stupid toy has five “phases” of life. The first phase is the egg phase. It audibly coos and gurgles and its eyes flash approximately a dozen different colors and you have to oblige it in a number of ways depending upon the corresponding color’s mood. WHEN IT IS GOOD AND READY, IT WILL APPARENTLY PECK ITS WAY OUT OF ITS SHELL, with your child acting as its hatching doula. And then you have to teach it to walk and other ridiculousness. There needs to be a BIG DARN WARNING on the Amazon purchase button before you buy this thing. There is not. And that is why my husband is giving me a death stare right now. Ms. 5 is in the other room creating a nest for her EggMonster and we are officially screwed until the batteries die. Update: 1.5 years later. Its name is Chaddomax, she has determined. It does not shut up. She still loves it. Dante didn’t write about this circle. Update 2: Chaddomax remains functional. He is not allowed in the common areas of the house, but we can still hear him. He is beloved. We are distressed to note that the younger child has now taken a shine to Chaddomax, as well. May God have mercy on our weary souls.