Bests & Worsts Reviews from Amazon

Hoo boy. To be honest, I didn't expect a next book in this series. I had thought that Jean Auel "walked the next world." But no, she's alive and kicking and has recently expelled the latest, and purportedly last, book in her Earth's Children series, The Land of Painted Caves. As many have said before me, this book is almost mystifyingly bad. It is as if Jean Auel had deliberately set out to dismiss every plot point of potential interest. Characterization, if I may use the term here, is slim to none. Worse, she seems to introduce potential sources of tension or plot interest only to resolve them in the least interesting manner possible. Then, when she does opt to introduce plot points, they are poorly thought out, often unresolved and largely out of character. Finally, she fails to bring any resolution to most of the burning questions present throughout the series. From here on, I will discuss the plot of the book, though as others have pointed out, the word "spoiler" seems silly in this context. First third: Ayla trains as a Zelandoni and nurses her daughter, Jonayla. A lot. Special treat: Wolf takes a dump in the cave. Second third: Ayla tours all the painted caves. Weirdly, the origins of the paintings are still left vague. I think it would have been funnier if someone had been like, "Oh yeah, those aurochs were painted by my hearthmate Ladida. Pretty good, right?" Jonayla starts speaking and riding horses. Of course, she's the cutest little girl ever! Third third: Plot! We find out that Jondalar has been boning mean girl Marona (I keep wanting to write Marthona, but that's his mom, gross) because his "needs are too strong" and he got lonely while Ayla was touring all those caves. Some Mammoth Hunter characters show up and we find out that Ranec is now mated even though naturally Ayla is his ONE TWOO LOVE. Ayla tells everyone that "essence" isn't just for show, it's how men and women make babies together. She does this through adding yet another verse to the Mother Song. Lucky Zelandonii! Everyone of course immediately accepts this radical revelation as completely true and abandons their old beliefs, which is normally what happens in human society. Ayla then gets drunk and has public sex with the shiftless Laramar while barma-goggling. Jondalar thereupon beats the crap out of Laramar. Some other characters show up, vaguely threaten Ayla and then literally run away. Ayla ODs on Clan drugs, but (wait for it) the love of Jondalar brings her back and they are in TWOO LOVE again! At the end, Jondalar agrees to take care of Laramar's children and ex(?)mate. Sitcom fodder! Everything is awesome, except that Ayla has introduced oppressive patriarchy to the world. THE END OK, so here are some plot point that were either dropped or not touched. Hearth matriarch Marthona isn't feeling that well. Does anything happen to Marthona? Nope! Ayla is super at healing her and she's totally fine. The book actually starts with an ominous omen - a big pack of cave lions is hanging around Ninth Cave HQ. A metaphor? Nope! Ayla hunts them totally successfully, no major or even minor characters are harmed, and all is well. Oh noes! Someone tries to hunt Whinney and Racer because 99 percent of humanity still considers horses to be food animals. Is one hair on our equine pals' hides scratched? Nope! Whew, that was totally close, except not. There is an earthquake! Wow, that is especially bad for people who live in and decorate caves. Do any main characters die? Do people think maybe Earth Mother is mad because they are sucking up to flathead-lovin' Ayla? Nope! One kid dies and everyone goes on with their lives. Speaking of flatheads, do we see or hear from the Clan at all or get any news whatsoever of Durc or Broud or any other non-Cro Magnon? Nope! Sorry if you'd been hoping for resolution to that plotline since the first book and was only reading on to get some kind of closure! Does any character who is otherwise sympathetic dislike or mistrust Ayla or Jondalar for any reason whatsoever? You're joking, right? I'm going to conclude this review just like Jean Auel did in Land of Painted Caves. Not at all.