Bests & Worsts Reviews from Amazon

This movie is so unbelievably bad that I have to break it down into parts for this review. Overview: Based on a video game, it comes over as The Lord of the Rings lite, complete with Orc-like Krugs, John Rhys Davies, and a guy with a Legolas hairstyle. Bad guy Gallian (Ray Liotta) swirls around in clouds of smoke, and does his business through the eyes, ears and lips of really big Krugs who ride horses. The only redeeming parts are the fight scenes with Statham, and even the battle scenes get monotonous after a while. And speaking of the battle scenes, we get the infantry and the archers and so on, but why do we have ninjas and Amazonian tree women in the mix-up? (Mind you, Kristanna Loken of the L-Word looks really good wrapped in leaves) Leelee Sobieski is underutilized as the daughter of Rhys Davies character Merick, but comes into her own at the end, while Matthew Lillard does his Scooby Doo thing mainly for comic relief. Short Attention Span Summary (SASS) 1. A farmer named Farmer farms his land with his family 2. Marauding Krugs under the command of Gallian attack 3. See Farmer fight 4. Fight Farmer, fight 5. Farmer fights in vain, but lives to fight again 6. The King wants Farmer in his army, but Farmer wants to be a one-man show 7. No man is an island 8. Farmer signs up, but has problems with the armor, which doesn't suit his image 9. Battle scenes 10. Change of leadership occurs 11. Grand finale with bad guy proves that books have power 12. Women totally rock Characters: Jason Statham's role There once was a farmer named Farmer Who was rugged, but really no charmer When the Krugs came for battle He killed them like cattle Without ever wearing his armor Ray Liotta's role There once was a power drunk mage Who totally failed to engage He is so badly cast It will leave you aghast As he stinks up his time on the stage John Rhys Davies' role Though this ain't The Lord of the Rings We're glad for the class that he brings And though he's on his own There's a Legolas clone To help the return of the kings Burt Reynolds' role We're more than a little bit hurt To see what's become of old Burt More tired than mean He's a creaky machine Out of gas, and now fully inert Conclusion: This movie's no more than a joke Filled with nothing but mirrors and smoke With ninjas and magic The plotline is tragic And it's NOT Uwe Boll's master stroke. Amanda Richards, February 23, 2008