Bests & Worsts Reviews from Amazon

Me being the adventerous and stupid type, after reading all the reviews I STILL decided to buy ONE last week and see for myself. Now, I've had Newman's Own products in the past, one of my favorite is the Bombolina sauce. I've tried others here and there but not too often. Now being that I love chips, salsa and melted cheese (who doesn't??), I decided to be brave and give this a try (picked up a bottle of Febreze to inhale through the nostrils like Nasonex, just in case). Well...to sum it up, everyone was right. It has a consistency of spackle, a smell of vomit, urine and feces out of a dead cat's anus, and a texture and taste of eating a 10 year old couch cushion stained by dog urine. Heating it up of course set off the fire alarms in my house. My children ran out of their rooms, frightened when they heard "FIRE! FIRE! CARBON MONOXIDE ALERT!" emmitting from their room fire alarms. My poor wife suffered 2nd degree burns on her fingertips when the fumes ignited her nail polish remover (Acetone). Our pet lop rabbit Max lost all his hair and jumped out the 2nd story den window, running into the night, never to be seen again (I've heard neighbors whispering of a large hairless blind rat roaming through the garbage cans at night). Now while all this mayhem was going on, you would think that I would instinctively assist my family in escaping this napalm attack. However, in all the excitement, I heard some all too familiar rumblings in the bowels of my bowels. I ran, like a psychotic horse escaping a burning barn, to the bathroom. I don't recall pulling my pants down, I just remember slamming my ass to the bowl so hard it made a suction sound and letting loose. I should have strapped myself down, as the fiery jet fuel propelled me off the seat and tore my skin from my buttocks. I prayed like I never prayed before, as jets of hellfire streamed into the air. It was faint, but I swear I heard Satan's laughter coming from the main pipe. Acid poop flew everywhere, melting the bathtub, setting the toilet paper and bath towels on fire, and completely ruined the Italian tile flooring. All I could do was get on my knees and pray repeatedly "The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!" Eventually, the evil subsided and the house was once again cleansed. I managed to crawl on all fours and regain my composure, stopping the bleeding with a pillow stuffed between my legs. I looked around for my wife and children, there were skidmarks on the driveway. Apparantely she took off in the minivan, my children want nothing to do with me, she is in the process of filing for divorce and a lawsuit for cruel and unusual punishment, cruelty to animals and illegal use of toxic chemicals. Hello, my name is Eric, I am writing this from my prison cell. And I do not approve this product.