Bests & Worsts Reviews from Amazon

I will admit that I prefer Top-Shelf toilet paper. It is the one area of my life that I enjoy first-class treatment. After flirting with many other manufacturers, my derriere decided upon Ultra Plush Quilted Northern. I have happily been receiving a regular shipment of 48 rolls from Amazon. About three weeks ago, my regular delivery arrived just like it was Christmas. I tore open the packaging, tossed aside the Bounty Paper Towels and Advantage II Flea Control and there it was....but something was amiss. It was not 48 rolls, but 24 of what I now know are "Supreme" Rolls. Apprehensively I checked the packaging and my favorite words were still there: Ultra and Plush, so we were good to go. Or so I naively thought. When I went to install one of these new "Supreme" rolls, with the paper hanging away from the wall as the Europeans do it, it would not fit on my toilet paper roll holder. I was confused. This had not happened in my 45 years of hanging toilet paper rolls (I was an advanced child). My first thought was should I google this...and yup, if you google "my toilet paper will not fit on my toilet paper roll holder" you are directed to the Charmin Extender Adaptador (their misspelling not mine) (For Mega Rolls) (WHITE), available for $8.96 from, you guessed it, Amazon.com. But, what was I going to do for the next two days until I could have one of those delivered. It was obvious. I stacked all 24 Mega Rolls in the corner of the toilet area and decided I would use a roll until it would fit on my "no longer in fashion" standard toilet paper roll holder. I figured in a month or two I would have whittled down most of the rolls to standard size and I could hang my toilet paper the old way, saving $8.96 as well. Situation under control. After a hard negotiation session such as this it was time for me to take a well-deserved break, sit down for a few minutes, catch up on Facebook, and do my business. So I sat, happily admiring my 24 rolls tall stack of toilet paper and really proud of my problem-solving skills. After Facebook shared with me the scintillating news that each of my friends have kids that eat dinner, watching a 30-second video on how to make Baked Alaska (I think this came up because we went on a cruise to Alaska four years ago), and ads for plumbers (remember my toilet paper search earlier), it was time to luxuriate myself with an Ultra Plush Experience. THE HORROR!!! I won't describe it to you. Tears came to my eyes, I cursed the tower of 23 Supreme Rolls, and reserved extra hateful words for the now "Slightly less than Supreme, but still won't fit on 99% of the world's toilet paper roll holders" roll in my hand. This was not Ultra. It was not Plush. These words had been co-opted by a sub-standard imposter. I think I blacked out. It is now three weeks later. I have used up the last of the truly Ultra Plush Quilted Northern Toilet Paper non-Supreme size from the other two bathrooms. I have not entered the toilet area of the Master Bedroom since that day as the tower seems to mock me and the 24th slightly-used roll on the floor with 4-5 sheets unraveled reminds me too much of the clown from Stephen King's The Stand sticking out his tongue at me. I know that it won't be long before I must visit the macabre scene once again, hoping against hope that I can survive these next months? years? How long does a Supreme Roll last? My faith is now centered on that one day in the future when I see the brown cardboard innards of the 24th Supreme roll, and I can visit my local Safeway, walk down the Paper Product Aisle and proudly pick up a new package of anything but Quilted Northern Ultra Plush paper, standard OR Supreme. My derriere and I will begin the search again. Until then, please keep me in your thoughts.