Bests & Worsts Reviews from Amazon

You have probably read the character synopsis and storyline already, so I will save you that, my little rant focuses on the "Pfffftt" moments in the story which, sadly, are myriad. This was easily one of the worst post-apocalypse books I have ever read in that the necessities for survival were made conveniently available, so much so that you have to wonder how the author managed to keep the good guys from discovering alien technology that could render them invisible or something. Where do I start? Heroine Juniper and her merry band make it to her mountain hideaway where they discover that their closest neighbors are not only conveniently dead (no difficult problems about sharing their stuff) but left behind a house jammed to the rafters with everything from medicine to food to blankets. The barn is stocked with seed potatoes and hay (because surprise, the seed tater delivery guy was there the day of The Change), there are chickens and cows for meat and milk, and the deceased former owners even managed to make sure the pasture gates were closed so the critters couldn't wander away. Hooray! Bonus: Juniper's own nearby cabin can't be seen from the road and is conveniently located near a clear stream and wonderfully poetic meadows. As for everything else needed to make make it in this exciting new world, have no fear, wonderful coincidence and a generous author will provide. The party will need trained horses for transport and armored cavalry: Up walks Bob, the expert horse wrangler. I know I know, this isn't horse country so what am I doing here. The horses and commune defenders need a blacksmith: Hi there, I'm Jim the real estate guy whose side hobby just happens to be blacksmithing, and yes, I can whip together a full suit of chainmail in about two days and a perfectly balanced morningstar in one. The brave defenders will require non-gunpowder weaponry: Good morning everyone, I'm Tom, I was an interpretive dancer before The Change but luckily I dabbled in the art of creating professional-grade longbows by hand using all natural materials. The party needs ammo for Tom's bows? No problem: Hey hey hey, Susan here, I'm a fantastic cook, former stay at home mom AND I know the arcane art of fletching arrows using the feathers from local blue-breasted sparrows. All of these historical artists just happened to be wandering around in the remote mountains and by sheer luck they ran into kindly Juniper. Why they didn't starve or freeze to death like everyone else, or get murdered by Christian survivalists found elsewhere in the book is never quite explained, pure good fortune apparently. It doesn't end there though, because the brave Wiccan commune also has a mobile library complete with tomes on medieval war strategies. Pretty lucky that someone skipped the canned food and candles as they ran from the house to escape catastrophe, and instead grabbed the all-important "Janes Complete Guide to 14th Century Armored Cavalry Tactics". Yeah yeah, I know you kids are hungry, so here, satisfy yourself by reading about how to organize a proper wedge formation. At this point in the tale I wouldn't have been surprised if Juniper & Co. broke into a neighboring barn and stumbled upon a working trebuchet that the missing farmer was building just for the heck of it. Seriously, what are the odds that the perfect medieval skill sets are going to be found in a dozen people thrown together at random? So the stage is set, the survivors have food, skills and shelter; clean water, livestock and a woman wonderfully prepared to thrive as a combat leader after having lived her entire life as a timid, anonymous, gypsy folk singer. Opposing them are former RenFair reenactors with stunningly murderous predilections, leading an army of Crips and biker outlaws, as if the Hell's Angels would willingly take orders from self-styled "Sigurd Redhand the Dragon Slayer" aka Howie the dentist. Then again maybe hard core gang-bangers really do have deep seated fears of slightly built weekend warriors wearing homemade leather jerkins and tin helmets too big for their heads. The laugh out loud quality of the entire book can be summed up by referencing one early exchange between the hero, former Recon Marine Mike, and Eric the teenage boy warrior wanna-be. Mike makes himself a homemade spear using a butcher knife and a long stick, causing Eric to opine that it resembles a Naginata. Mike agrees and innocently asks Eric if he has ever trained with such a weapon, to which Eric replies....wait for it...wait for iiiiiiitt..."Just a few times". WHAAAAAAATTT? This teenager from Portland just happens to have trained in the use of a Naginata? Not a common spear, not a sharp stick that he found in the woods while camping, a Naginata. Of course Eric doesn't have any other weapons training or martial arts skills, just some background in the use of an ancient Japanese halberd....and he comes from Scandinavian stock. I laughed so hard when I read that part I thought I would choke; I think the author has spent one too many Saturdays flailing around the backyard with a dull-edged, knockoff Katana while yelling "Kiii yaaaaaa!". So...if you pine for the good ol' days of nerding around in your geek friends basement on Friday night, busy trying to hack your way through the next level of D&D while trying to convince yourself that girls aren't really all that important anyway, this book is for you. It's definitely a goofball's dream world, complete with the former jocks getting one-upped by the vengeful nerds, payback for all those high school wedgies. The only thing missing in this sad fantasy world is an army of orcs and a giant spider. Oh well, maybe in the next series. If you want something that isn't 500 pages of Wiccan propaganda and juvenile ponderings of how awesome things would be if only we could all walk around in chainmail and bearskin capes while carrying a rune inscribed broadsword, then you might want to look elsewhere. P.S. Want a good read about average people dealing with the collapse of civilization, including characters that don't desire to build their own Helm's Deep one week after the fall? Try "Summer of the Apocalypse", a great book that won't have you saying "Cooooommee Ooooonnnnnne" every few pages.