Bests & Worsts Reviews from Amazon

Below are some claims made in this book: CLAIM # 1 --- "Most men and women who have affairs are good people" Debating whether someone has intrinsic worth is a distraction. The real question is whether this person has good character, since character shapes behavior. People with good character make a sincere effort to be honest, fair, and kind. Cheaters make excuses not to. People with good character treat you the same to your face and behind your back. Cheaters are two-faced. So this "good people" compliment is really just an unearned trophy to make someone feel good. Feeling good, however, should come from doing good -- to yourself and to others. CLAIM # 2 --- Cheaters "passionately want to do what's best for everyone"; How is it best for your spouse to be tricked, gossiped about, or given a STD? Cheating is really about doing what feels best to you, at the expense of other people. One woman, Emmy, thought her husband was too critical and complaining, so she cheated on him. She wanted to leave with her new lover, but that's not all...she wanted to take their kids, too! If this woman "passionately" wanted what's best for everyone, then how is it best for a father to be without his kids...or best for kids to be without their father? CLAIM # 3 --- Cheaters are not users The author claims cheaters are not users because users are just trying to get away with something. Well, here's what one man, Josh, did: -- he created "hopefully secret email accounts" so his wife couldn't catch him contacting his mistress. -- he told his wife he was going on business trips when he was really meeting his mistress at a hotel. -- he told his mistress he was doing everything possible to leave his wife when he had no plans to do so. So, aren't those examples of trying to get away with something? She also says users only care about getting what they want. Well, after Josh's mistress dumped him, he kept his wife around (whom he never wanted to marry in the first place) because if he divorced her, he'd lose the job his father-in-law gave him and time spent with his baby. He used her to get what HE wanted. It's not surprising the author can't recognize a user because her own advice involves using others. Here's advice she gives cheaters wondering if they should stay married or get divorced: -- "Suppose what's closest to your heart is your kids. Well, which path enables you to spend the most time with them and makes their lives easiest? Most people say that it's the path of staying married. Okay, then. Your decision has been made for you" Does the spouse get a vote? No, because the cheater decides for everyone (more on this in Claim #10). Also, this path allows the cheater to use their spouse, so they can keep certain perks of married life.. CLAIM # 4 --- Cheaters are loyal The author claims cheaters avoid leaving loveless marriages because they're so loyal...but as Josh's example shows, it's not loyalty keeping them put, but greed. Others feared financial payback from an angry spouse or losing their kids' loyalty. Loyalty isn't about showing up every day for roll call. It's about following through on your commitments to someone, which cheaters didn't do. CLAIM # 5 --- Cheaters "feel so guilty" The author claims cheaters ";lie awake at night feeling guilty and scared"...but what caused those sleepless nights wasn't guilt over the act, but fear of the consequences. They worried divorce could financially ruin them or cause them to lose their children's love. They worried their impatient affair partner might rat them out, etc... However, when worries are guilt-related, the focus is on consequences for other people, not yourself. All the worrying in this book was self-focused. They acted like martyrs feeling entitled to cheat and you can't both feel entitled to do something and guilty about doing it at the same time. Nonetheless, the author believes cheaters suffer too much guilt, so she advises them to "stop feeling guilty and start feeling like the good person you really are" and ends up minimizing the damage created. For example, she tells them to "just write [the affair] off as something you really needed", This implies that (1) adultery is such a minor offense, you can casually "just write it off" and (2) adultery is a need rather than a want. To further stress the need factor, she tells them to view adultery as "just an opportunity to take something off your to-do list"...as if it's perfectly normal to put "commit adultery" on your To Do list. What I actually saw wasn't too much guilt but too little. One woman, married to a man, was curious what sex with a woman would be like, so she pushed aside her fidelity vows to find out. And yet, the author claims when people cheat, "It's the last thing they ever thought would happen". Ummm...you sure about that? After the affair ended, the woman LAUGHED and said, "I really am straight". If this woman "feels so guilty", then how could she laugh afterwards? Focusing on surface details (a sad face and sad words) ignores what's underneath (self-pity and entitlement). With those blinders on, there's no motivation to change or even apologize. CLAIM # 6 --- Cheaters "somehow fall into" an affair and "all affairs are accidental" This implies that affairs happen mysteriously -- "somehow" without any effort from the cheater -- as if they just ran into some bad luck. But affairs don't happen TO cheaters, they happen BECAUSE of them...because they made deliberate decisions which guaranteed an affair would happen. The author even says, "Let's face it, it was a line they were hungry to cross";...meaning, they're AWARE there's a line. If you're aware there's a line you don't cross and you cross it anyway, that's not an accident. That's an intentional violation. So this wide-eyed innocent "it just happened" excuse is a cop-out. Another cop-out is claiming affairs are "rarely planned". If you don't plan on starting an affair, then why accept someone's inappropriate behavior towards you or engage in it yourself? Or as one blogger put it...if you don't plan on starting a fire, then why strike a match? CLAIM # 7 --- Cheaters were ";hungry" for love and were "pushed into doing things they wouldn't do otherwise" Adults have choices in life. When mature adults are "hungry";, they can either (1) work on the marriage if issues can still be resolved or (2) ask for a divorce if they can't. People who invent option (3) commit adultery, do so because it's much easier to run away from your problems than deal with them head on. Passive-aggressiveness -- lying, denying, and blame-shifting -- are coping behaviors that happen over time, not over night. So even if this person never cheated before, coping with problems passive-aggressively IS something they'd normally do. When people carry a victim mentality into a relationship, they're an affair waiting to happen. Much later in the book, the author finally tells cheaters to hold themselves accountable...however...if she's also telling them they're selfless, they didn't use anybody, they're such loyal people, it was all an accident, and were actually pushed into doing it...then what would they hold themselves accountable for? Also blocking accountability is her pitying, oh-you-poor-baby tone throughout. She says things like "all they wanted was their share";, which implies they were just acting in self-defense. If that's the case, then again, what would they hold themselves accountable for? She also advises cheaters not to blame their spouse for their decision to cheat, however, when discussing her own husband's affair, she said, "I wasn't blameless". So which is it? Don't blame the spouse or Do because the spouse isn't blameless? With so much contradictory advice, it's doubtful any accountability will take place. CLAIM # 8 --- Cheating is wrong, but also necessary The author says affairs are wrong, but also says they're "very much needed". She even compares cheating to playing hooky at work because you really needed a break...once again pushing cheating as a need rather than a want. She even calls affairs a "radical but necessary procedure"....as if abusing your spouse's trust is some necessary rite of passage. She also calls affairs "therapeutic", claiming they can "wake up" a stale marriage. Well sure, throwing a tantrum (which an affair is) can get you a lot of attention, but that kind of "therapy" is immature, manipulative, and brings unnecessary stress and trauma to the target. So this isn't therapy. It's drama. I noticed the author had a flair for the dramatic, too. One example is advising cheaters (who want their spouse back) to make a "huge, showy, passionate plea" for forgiveness. But sincere apologies don't need showy theatrics. It's only the insincere ones that do. The author claims she's not encouraging affairs, but also says this about affairs: -- "It's often better to find out and be done with it than to endlessly yearn and speculate" So, doesn't that sound like encouragement to "be done with it" so you don't torture yourself with endless yearning and speculation? She claims affairs are wrong, but also says this: -- "When people regret leaving their spouse for a lover, one of the reasons they most often cite for their mistake is not giving themselves the opportunity to see their lover as the person he/she really is." -- "If you're thinking of trading up, to minimize the risk of getting a lemon you'd better make it one hell of a test drive." What she's advising here is an extended affair...an opportunity for cheaters to "test drive" their affair partner to see if they'd be "trading up" by divorcing or getting a lemon instead. First of all, the reason affairs are wrong is because of all the deceiving involved...something this "test drive" does more of. So how can she say she's against solving problems using deception and then advise more deception? Second, we're talking about a marriage here, not the The Dating Game. Dating other people is no longer allowed – not then and not now. The author doesn't get this because the advice she gave in her other book, "Is He Mr. Right?", a book for HONEST SINGLES, is recycled here for married cheaters...as if they're one in the same, but they're not. If the author can't tell the difference, then she has no business giving marital advice. CLAIM # 9 --- (Implied claim) Cheaters are the opposite of what to avoid in picking a lifetime partner Some reviewers are calling this author non-judgmental, however, for nearly half the book, she encourages cheaters to judge which partner is worthy enough to be selected by them. And don't forget the judgmental title, too. Labelling someone a good person is just as judgmental as labelling them a bad person. She advises cheaters to avoid any partner who is dishonest, unreliable, makes bad decisions, creates unnecessary tension in the relationship, is a user, a flake, doesn't keep their promises, has too much self-pity and is unsafe. She's just described a cheater! However, since only cheaters do the judging in this book (using the exhaustive checklist provided), the implication is that they don't possess these qualities, but they do. And if these qualities are cause for rejection, then cheaters would be rejected, too...for the exact same reasons. Sparing cheaters this reality check means they'll likely conclude the real problem all along was one or both partners. So although, later in the book, she tells cheaters to patiently listen while their spouse angrily vents at them...do you really think cheaters will listen to anyone who doesn't flatter their ego like this author does? CLAIM # 10 --- Cheaters should NOT confess their affair to their spouse The author advises cheaters not to confess their affairs...not even if asked point blank. She claims confessing will only hurt their partner and not make the cheater feel better. And so, they need to do "what's best for everyone" and not be one of those "truth worshippers" who do confess. The point of confessing isn't to sadistically hurt your partner or to make yourself feel better. The point is to allow your partner to choose -- for themselves -- what's best for themselves. This requires both flexibility and courage. Flexibility means you stop controlling your partner's choices...and courage means you face the consequences of your actions. Another problem is that if your partner is asking, it means their intuition is telling them they're being cheated on. If you take the author's advice, then you'd be telling your partner to not trust their intuition and instead, trust your words...even though their intuition is the truth and your words are a lie. That's gaslighting. In the acknowledgement section of this book, the author sarcastically thanks those who didn't want her to write this book. But perhaps these people weren't objecting to ANY book helping cheaters make better decisions....but objecting to THIS book being written. And I don't blame them! Not only does the author let cheaters off the hook with all her seductive flattery and excuse-making...but she also creates an imbalance of power by having cheaters call all the shots. That's favoritism and it's wrong. Some reviewers have called this author courageous -- basically repeating what the author already says about herself (she calls herself "such a rebel") -- but all she's really doing is telling cheaters what they want to hear. REAL courage would be telling them what they need to hear....even at the risk of losing popularity votes and book sales.