Bests & Worsts Reviews from Amazon

When author Gary Neuman asked cheating husbands why they cheated, these men blamed their wives, claiming their emotional and sexual needs weren’t being met, so they found a mistress to meet them instead. At first, the author says women shouldn’t accept this blame…but then spends the rest of book telling women to meet those needs or else he’ll cheat. However, if she's not to blame for the problem, why is the burden on her to fix it? What’s being ignored by both the author and these men are the other solutions available to them. If there were unmet needs, they could’ve: 1 -- Assertively voiced their unmet needs If an adult has unmet needs, it’s up to that adult to voice those needs. It’s inappropriate for an adult to expect their spouse to read their mind. 2 -- Ask for a divorce These men claimed that no matter how hard they worked on their marriage, they couldn’t win. However, these men came across as passive rather than assertive, so I'm suspicious how assertive they actually were. But let's say they were only to have their needs coldly rejected, the next assertive action would be divorce. After all, if a man wants to ACT single, he should BE single. 3 -- Ask for a separation If a man is unsure about divorce, he can ask for a separation to clarify his priorities. If this entails dating again, at least his wife is aware of that decision. 4 -- Ask for an open marriage Monogamy isn't for everyone. Instead of wearing the monogamy mask to his wife's face and ripping it off behind her back, he could just be honest about his values. These choices would’ve leveled the playing field, so these men choosing not to reveals they just wanted an unfair advantage for themselves. That's a sign of poor character, which is the real problem here. Instead of focusing on these men's real problem (their poor character), the author focuses on their excuses (unmet needs). Unmet needs, though, aren't a legitimate reason to cheat. First, like I said earlier, they had other options to meet them. Second, if they had unmet needs, their wives probably did, too. Yet, their wives didn't use that excuse to cheat, too, so why does these men get to? The target for this book are women with an overactive, guilty conscience who indulge in "if only" thinking. "If only" I had been better behaved, he wouldn't have cheated. It's similar to a child thinking "if only" they had been better behaved, their parents wouldn't have divorced. But again, if it were the marriage were truly that bad, they had other options to deal with it. So bad marriages don't cause cheating; bad character does. Therefore, the author has the wrong target. Now, the author tries to portray these men as also having a guilty conscience, too, but they don't. One man described in great detail how he got away with cheating by using business trips as an excuse. It sounded like bragging. The author asked if he felt guilty, and the man replied, “I guess you feel guilty.” You guess?? Instead of feeling guilty, these men felt entitled to cheat – and you can’t both feel entitled to do something and guilty about doing it at the same time. I suspect they only expressed guilt because that’s what the author wanted to hear. Being adept at lying, they were able to fool him like they did their wives. For these men, cheating was like a game. One man, about to visit his mistress, told his wife he was going golfing. Since he didn't own golf clubs, he was annoyed that she didn't figure out he was cheating instead. So, he was annoyed she didn't play along with a game she didn't even know she was playing! Are these men worth fighting for? I notice in affair-proofing books, it’s automatically assumed they are. However, I believe a man worth fighting for is one with good character, which these men didn’t have. Men with good character have good consciences. They don't cheat because it would be like cheating with a woman covered in urine. No matter how hot she was, that smell (his conscience) would repulse him. Men with good character also have good boundaries. Although mistresses are often blamed for why men cheat, the reality is if he had good boundaries, no matter how hard she tried to enter their marriage, he wouldn't let her. These men obviously didn't have good character and I think they knew it, too. What gave it away was them saying they'd never admit to their affairs, not even if asked outright. To me, that shows a fear of their wives discovering what they already knew - that they had poor character. The author advises women to be kinder to their husbands, which normally is good advice. However, in this context, it's a way to control decisions you're not responsible for. The author says this advice empowers women...however, imagine telling a battered wife she can batter-proof her marriage by being kinder. Is that empowering her...or giving her a false sense of security? Another piece of advice is for women to keep their husbands away from other cheating men. He says this because these men blamed their friends for why they cheated. One man said he cheated with a dance partner because his friend pressured him to go dancing. Other men claimed their cheating friends had a bad influence on them, too. First of all, are you surprised these men blamed their friends for cheating? First they blame their wives and now their friends? Am I supposed to believe they were bullied into cheating or only cheated because they’re too nice? Second, have you ever heard the saying, “Birds of a feather flock together”? It means we relate to people who share our values. If these men didn’t share their cheating friend’s values, they would’ve ditched them on their own. By expecting wives to play mommy, the author’s hurting his own advice. Yet another way to "affair-proof" your marriage is to have more sex and to respect your husband more. But how can you feel sexual towards someone you’re treating like a son? How can you respect someone expecting you to be the only adult? The only thing this guilt-tripping does is justify cheating, give women a false sense of security and power, and give men an excuse to cheat in the future. Being abused (cheating is abuse) is traumatic enough. Being blamed for being abused is even more abusive, which is why I’ve given this book the lowest rating possible.