Bests & Worsts Reviews from Amazon

So I’m kind of a gym rat now. The more I work out, the more I can bend over and unload the dishwasher without pain. It’s amazing, really. So I’m in the gym, and I got these new Nike sneakers. I had read reviews that they were great for the gym. I decided to try Zumba again with my new kicks. Sure enough, these Nikes performed. I could leap and jump and move like I never had. I used my neck cream the day before, I grabbed a 5-hour energy at the Dollar Tree, and I was in the zone. My zips and my zags were on fleek with these new tennies. Then it happened. I saw the most beautiful, bald black man I had seen in… well like four days at least. I felt in my heart that I was mirroring the Zumba instructor perfectly. Those Nikes, my stiff neck, my sweaty t-shirt; I had to be looking fine. I went to check out my image in the mirror and… I looked like a velociraptor. My staccato back and forth moves were … exaggerated. My hands and arms were flailing about like wings. My neck cream was starting to fail. But my Nikes- they were amazing. They gave me just enough lift to nail the part in Jurassic Park where the velociraptors attack the super giant dinosaur. Buy the Nikes. Seriously.