Bests & Worsts Reviews from Amazon

Once upon a time, there was a sweet, smart, hard-headed, funny little firecracker of a boy who JUST. NEVER. SLEPT. Like ever. His Mommy tried everything during his first four years of life. From reading books to playing music, patting his little back, melatonin, late baths, begging and pleading but he still just. NEVER. Slept. He may have dozed off for a few hours here and there, but without fail, as his Mommy's head would hit the pillow each night and she'd fall into a peaceful slumber, a little voice would ring out with a jolt, like Fran Drescher's laugh at a funeral, "MOMMY! I NEED CHOCO-MILK!" or "MOMMY! I NEED YOU TO PAT ME!" or "MOMMY! I FORGOT TO PEE!" or just "MOMMY! MOOOOOOOMMMY! MOMMMMMYYYYYY!!!!". Sometimes, Mommy would roll over during the night only to feel the presence of a face, breathing down on her, and then there was the whisper "MOMMY!" that would send her into cardiac arrest and Daddy would have to peel her off the ceiling. Night in and-and night out. For FOUR. LONG. YEARS. Bribes were made, ponies were promised, wine was consumed, and the thought of having more children in the future was as far gone as Kayne West's humility. Until one day, as Zombie-Mommy browsed Amazon.com, looking for heavy duty velcro sheets, she stumbled upon this bed. "Could I? Should I?" she asked herself. She showed her little buddy the picture, "I like that bed! I promise I will stay in it ALLLL NIGHT!" the little voice said. She snorted Diet Coke out of her nose in a fit of laughter, but thought "aw, what the heck?!". (At this point, she would've tried anything. And I mean ANYTHING.) So, click-click, the bed was on it's way. As luck would have it, the delivery arrived for her little love on Valentine's Day. The hubs and I, I mean, Mommy, were willing to forgo any, ahem, Valentine's Day activities to get the bed assembled. The anticipation built as they put the bed together and visions of sleepy pre-schoolers danced in their heads. (And for the record, the instructions were only mildly annoying, and the bed was completely put together in a couple of hours.) The new bed was awesome and sturdy, and the little boy was in love with the finished product. He played and played. Climbed on all the places he wasn't supposed to and hid the dog under the tent below. As evening crept into the House of the Sleepless Child, they all wondered what the night would bring. Would he still love it after dark? Could he actually sleep in it all night? Would he only wake three times a night? (Because this Mommy would make that deal with the devil any day over the 7, 8, 9 times a night that was the usual!) Bedtime rolled around, and Mommy tucked in the wild little boy into his new airplane sheets, atop his new loft bed. He batted his pretty little blue eyes and asked, "Mommy if I stay in my new bed all night, can we go to Target tomorrow and pick out a new toy?" Mommy giggled, "sure, my sweet boy. You stay in this new bed all night and Mommy will get you anything you want from Target tomorrow." (We've all been there, right?) And with that, he rolled over and drifted off to sleep. And then, something magical happened. The next thing Mommy knew, sunlight snuck through the curtains and warmed her rested face. She panicked, convinced he must have been abducted by aliens! But that wasn't the case. The boy slept. DO YOU HEAR ME, PEOPLE?! HE SLEPT ALL NIGHT!!! And not just that one night, but the next night and the next night... it's been a WHOLE WEEK of solid sleep. She is not sure if the paint on this bed is made from pixie dust or some form of toddler crack, but she doesn't care either way because whatever it's magical power is, she just hopes it doesn't wear off! (Maybe unicorns make beds too?! It's the best bed ever. No really, EVER. ;) Now the neighbors hear her exclaim, when she tucks him in tight, "thank God for this bed and to all a GOOD NIGHT!" (And then she closes the door to his room and twirls her shirt over her head like a drunk girl at a Kid Rock concert.) The End.