Bests & Worsts Reviews from Amazon

I’m sorry to write a negative review, because I used to love reading Ann Voskamp, and I still appreciate her heart very much. There are some good parts in this book, such as attachment to God. But it was difficult to read because of the constant message of self-condemnation, and I didn’t quite make it through completely. I’ve been learning new things recently, and to the many evangelical women readers, the message of this book is nothing different than the old message we have been fed all along: Grow smaller. Have no expectations of a husband. While we all need humility and sacrifice, we only have to read the news of abuse going on inside evangelicalism to realize that there is a proper audience who really needs this message – and it is not evangelical women. Instead, I believe Ann and all of us need to hear: it is normal to feel mad, sad, disappointed, or whatever you are feeling, when a newlywed husband chooses to leave the honeymoon early, and it is healthy to say that is not okay and to set boundaries. It is okay to not trust a husband who does not show himself to be trustworthy. Please don’t keep trusting a spouse who consistently treats you poorly, which includes neglecting you. It is okay to have seasons where you don’t spend time every day in prayer and Bible; this does not mean you will gradually become selfish. Ann writes: “Don’t covenant your life to daily doxology, and the dark of entitlement will devour your one and only life and you won’t even know it.” This is untrue. I see Ann’s perfectionism (because I am a recovering one myself), as though she cannot be allowed to have times of struggle, to spend less time in the Word during a busy time of life - a time of sacrificing for an adopted child. On page 267 she calls herself a “failure” over and over. I’ve been learning instead to give myself grace, to be okay in my humanity. I have a lot of questions about the messages in this book, because the style of writing is so unclear. I will stick to my three main questions regarding marriage. 1. Is she saying that she should have no expectations of her husband staying the entire honeymoon? It is unclear when she writes about sex, because she talks about it without using the actual word. It seems she may have felt unwanted on her honeymoon, that he chose to leave early because she was unable to “consummate” the marriage. This was no good reason to leave a honeymoon early, but instead should have caused a caring husband to be extra gentle with her. If you are having issues with sex, please read Sheila Wray Gregoire’s resources. 2. Is she saying that her husband had a right to feel neglected when she was spending lots of time with their newly adopted baby girl, that she was at fault? This one really got me, because I adopted around the same time as Ann. It was a tough two years – emotionally tougher than newborns. Regardless of newborn or adopted baby, a husband should expect to partner and bear the load, rather than leave it all to the mama and then be mad that she does not spend time with him. And our adopted son preferred me to my husband at the beginning too, but we understood that he probably was not used to men. This is a good point she makes: “Keep burying how you feel and you’ll end up digging your relationships a pretty big grave.” But when she does let out her feelings, her husband abandons her when she needs him, in the story on page 232. And when he withdraws, Ann continues in self-judgment, writing that she is bending in toward herself, and later she writes that she is “self-focused” – yet all the while, isn’t she sacrificing for an adopted child? I don’t see her selfishness, but I see her husband’s. All along, I cannot understand her self-condemnation, and want to hug her and tell her she is good enough just as she is, “failures” and all. In fact, she even seems to imply that she caused her medical problem, as though God gave her heart failure because she was not right with God. 3. This is the worst part: is she saying that she was horribly sick in the hospital for serious heart failure for at least one full day and night – and her husband is not there with her?! And he only comes when she calls and invites him to come? I don’t care how mad my husband is at me, or how much I was angry with him - this is totally not acceptable. She deserved to have a spouse taking care of her - did he not promise in sickness and in health? If we focus on God being like an attachment figure, we need to remember that he is not like a harsh, demanding parent figure that some of us may have had. He is like Jesus - come to be with us and heal us and set us free and give us life to the full. Let’s not be hard on ourselves when God is not. Let’s expect love from God, and love from our significant others, because we are each worth it!