Bests & Worsts Reviews from Amazon

I really liked the earlier books! Really! In fact, the two stars are primarily as a "Lifetime Achievement Award" (5 for the first 3 books, minus 1 for book 4, minus 2 for book 5). GRRM has either gotten senile or greedy (in a Peter Jackson - "Hey, lets make THREE movies out of the Hobbit" - kind of way). Anyway, as others have pointed out, almost nothing actually happens in this book. And there is no convergence either - in fact, instead of threads being pulled together, more threads are randomly added. There are now so many open threads that it is practically impossible for the series to end in two more books, without the introduction of a space-time warp that will magically land every character in the middle King's Landing with their swords, direwolves and dragons. To list the open threads that I can think of (SPOILER ALERT!!!): 1. Daenerys - After proving her child-like incompetence at actually ruling (paraphrasing Che Guevara - "Blowing up trains is easy. It's a lot more difficult to make them run on time"), she has now met up with a new khalasar and has her favorite dragon in tow. She will now use her new army to attack Meereen (again) and screw things up (again). Or she will lay waste to Qarth. Or she will march on Westeros (finally), although why she didn't do that with her army of Unsullied is anyone's guess. 2. Jon Snow - In keeping with GRRM's "Screw Ned Stark and his family" approach to writing, Jon has been knifed, Caesar-like, by his comrades. However, since he has not been definitively declared dead, he will probably be brought back to life by Melisandre (a la Beric Dondarrion and Catelyn) and then go off to fight the Others as the harbinger of Light. 3. Tyrion - Having thrown in with Ben Plumm he will now wait for Dany's next move. If she marches back to Meereen they may finally meet (hooray). If she marches on Westeros, he will spend another 1000 pages looking for where the whores go. 4. Bran - He has now become an honorary child of the forest and a full-fledged warg. What he can or will do with these powers is anyone's guess - since all he has done till now is spook Theon in the Winterfell weirwood. 5. Stannis - Last seen gnashing his teeth in the snow. Since he has spent all of book 5 in that state, it is probable that he is permanently frozen and will eventually show up in Madame Tussaud's. The Bolton's claim to have killed him, but since that would be blessed relief for all concerned, it's probably a ruse. 6. Theon Greyjoy - Last seen with the fake Arya in Stannis' camp, missing sundry toes, fingers and teeth. If there is any closure or justice in this fictional world, he will kill Ramsay Bolton. But there isn't, so he won't. 7. Asha Greyjoy - Reunited with Theon. Life sucks if you are a Greyjoy. In fact, if you are ironborn you should probably consider killing yourself. 8. Arya - By the time she finally becomes a Faceless Woman, everyone else in the story will be dead of natural causes. Since she is no one, she won't care. She will be kick-ass in the next Assassin's Creed game, though. 9. Rickon - No one knows where he is. He will go on a quest in book 7. He will meet no other primary character till book 10, and since he had the misfortune to be born a Stark, GRRM will promptly kill him. 10. Sansa - I so totally don't care about Sansa. Hopefully one of the dragons will eventually cook and eat her. 11. Littlefinger - We know he is plotting, scheming and plotting some more. We have no clue about what. He and Varys will be the ones left standing when all else is gone. They will duke it out man-to-ahem for total control of Westeros. Littlefinger will lose, overcome by grief when Sansa gets cooked and eaten. He will retire to the woods and spend the rest of his days with the re-animated Catelyn. 12. Loras Tyrell - Spends books 4 and 5 in a grievously wounded state. Shows no signs of either recovering or dying. He will probably come back as a man-machine (see below: The Mountain). 13. Margery Tyrell - She shows all the signs of growing up into what Cersei would have been had Robert loved her. 14. Cersei - The small percentage of King's Landing's population that hadn't had sex with her already gets to at least see her naked. She continues to plot the destruction of all of her enemies, which list includes everyone in the world. 15. Tommen - Plays with small animals and Margery. Will probably die soon. 16. Jaime - Secures the Riverlands while showing off his newfound negotiating skills. Sets off on a quest to find the Stark kids with Brienne. The two of them will almost certainly hook up eventually and have beautiful sons and ugly daughters. 17. Brienne - Continues her miserable existence and fails at pretty much everything she tries (I will protect Renly - oops. I will now protect Catelyn Stark - oops. I will get Jaime to King's Landing - sorry about the hand. I will find Sansa and Arya - please don't hang me, damn!). Apparently still alive - may just be to make babies with Jaime. 18. Varys - Turns out he was a Targaryen sympathizer all along. All that talk about serving the realm without caring about who was on the throne was all hogwash - dragons rule, man! See Littlefinger, above - Varys will eventually rule the world as a composite King/Queen. 19. Sam - Has reached the Citadel (was that in book 4?). Has set some things in motion. Doesn't know what. Does he become a Maester or do he and Gilly hook up? Does anyone care? 20. Catelyn - Was dead but is now undead. Killed a Frey or two, and then sentenced Brienne to death. In an ironic twist of fate, she and Jon Snow will live on together as apostles of the light. She will so totally hate him for it. 21. Doran Martell - His gout keeps getting worse, as will his ulcers when he finds out what happened to his son. He had one plan, which has now been burnt to a crisp. Looks like he may have to let the viper's daughters loose after all. 21a. Quentyn Martell - Winner of a Darwin award. Tried to break in to the dragon's lair and ride off with one. Burnt to a crisp. Thankfully this is one thread that is really closed. Unless it isn't. 22. The Hound - Supposedly died of an infected wound. But his spirit (and helm) live on - this may eventually have some significance, though I suspect not. 23. The Mountain - Supposedly died of poisoning, but in the most obvious literary build-up of all time, has been reconstituted into some sort of man-machine-monster (aka RoboCop). He and Loras Tyrell's reconstituted man-machine (see above) will have an epic death match when Cersei and Margery choose them as their champions at their respective trials. This will be a recreation of their duel in the tourney in book 1 - at least something will come full circle. 24. Aegon Targaryen - GRRM's afterthought (How can I make this book even bigger? Hmm, what if I make another Targaryen live?). Has attacked Westeros to impress Dany. Neither Dany nor anyone else has noticed or cares. 25. Jon Connington - Aegon's protector/advisor/general/hand. Trying to make up for his abject failure as Aerys' Hand. Leading the attack on Westeros, but bad PR has failed him. 26. Ser Barristan Selmy - Has successfully overthrown Hizdahr in Meereen, and will now lead a dumb-ass attack on the siege armies. Man knows not when to hang up his boots. Will serve Dany till Aegon comes along. 27. Victarion Greyjoy - Sailing, sailing to find (and marry) Dany and the dragons. We all know how that ends. 28. Euron Greyjoy - Waiting, waiting for Victarion to return with Dany and the dragons (whom he will then marry). We all know how that ends. The ironborn should seriously just drown themselves. 29. Davos Seaworth - The travelling salesman, has visited many a Lord to win them over to Stannis. Keeps losing his ships everywhere he goes - not quite what you would expect from a sailor/smuggler. 30. Mance Rayder - Helps Theon escape. May or may not be a captive of the Boltons at Winterfell. Will eventually lead the wildlings against everyone. 31. Roose and Ramsay Bolton, the Frey clan - Mean little bitches. Will get their just desserts from somebody, but who? Catelyn, Theon, Jon, Stannis? 32. Gendry - You would think there would be a point to bringing Arya Stark and King Robert's bastard son together in books 1 and 2, but since then he has been stuck with the Dondarrion rebels, doing jack. Whew! That's all I can think of at the moment, though I'm sure I've missed quite a few. If you guys think this is all coming together in the near future, you've been smoking something strong. HBO has a "Days of Our Lives" on their hands.