Bests & Worsts Reviews from Amazon

Like many others, I originally purchased this binder for its storage capacity, not its comfort level. Unfortunately, I suffered a minor setback on my most recent women-binding excursion and seem to have now bound myself. I have contacted Amazon about a return, but was notified that they do not accept returned items that contain people. It's really hard to get comfortable in here, I'm running out of ideas and I'm starting to cramp up. Please help me escape before anyone nominates me for a cabinet position.